This will probably offend you.

This may across as rambling, or maybe a rant, or perhaps something good will come out of it - for both you and for me. It's hard to say as I sit down to write this, with the thoughts swirling in my mind like the makings of a hurricane...

 

We need to talk.

Or I do, at least...

I'm just going to talk openly if that's okay. We'll see where it takes us.

I like this quote by Tony Robbins about focusing on solutions.

We all have problems now and then, some bigger than others, sometimes more than our share or whatever.

You can't just ignore them (problems). Well, I guess you can - but that's a response in itself.

I like to acknowledge problems or issues, allow myself to FEEL what I feel about them, then turn my attention to finding solutions or making changes.

I enjoy quotes and quote graphics.

Sometimes the right quote at the right time can really speak to me. One crossed my screen the other day that I decided to share actually. You may have seen it?

Or maybe not. It got ZERO response.

Actually, that's not true. It did make one person nauseous...

 

Why do some things bother me SO deeply?

I suppose for the same reason certain things bother you a lot.

We all have our triggers, sore topics or whatever. Right? I know I have mine. And for some reason they've been tripped one after the other this week.

I'll share a few of them with you, because I think you should have a little glimpse into MY side of the screen. I'm a very real person, and I have feelings too.

People give me "a piece of their mind" all the time, so here's my piece. Fair trade. 🙂

 

Why?

I don't know what it is lately. I can't seem to share a cool resource, post a quote graphic, or offer to help someone without my intentions being questioned or catching slack for it. It seems like everything I do, say or share offends someone.

And boy do they ever let me know about it. 😛

I blame the stars. I believe the moon is in Uranus right now...

That was funny - courtesy of my son. His jokes are the best.

Anyway, I've had some rough hits lately both in my work and in my personal life. It never ceases to amaze me how rude, insensitive, selfish or mean people can be. Especially when someone is trying to help them, or already feeling down - or just in general: Why do people have to be so negative? I figured out why, actually...

 

"You're just trying to sell me something."

I heard that earlier this week, along with: "that gave me the icky used car salesman feel." I can't help how you feel about something I do or say, or what your initial reaction or response is. The only thing I can control is my intentions...

But if you (also) thought anything similar, you should know this:

SIX times in the last three days I have UNsold myself, or downsold someone on what they thought they wanted - to what I felt would better suit them.

I declined THREE consulting clients that wanted to pay me to help them, because I knew without a doubt it wasn't the right time for them (to get the most out of it).

I told two people NOT to buy Script Engage for their business, because it wasn't a right fit for them (in my expert opinion).

As for the Paydrill software, I shared that and very clearly said: ONLY IF you have this problem. I never said "it's a must have!" I just figured other people (like me, who have that problem) would seriously appreciate that resource - as much as I did.

I'm trying to be helpful. Never once have you heard me say, or even hint that: "I don't really care if you succeed or not. I just want your money." That's not me.

I'll UNsell you on things all day long. The members of my Private Brainstorming Group hear me say it all the time: "Don't buy anything you don't need RIGHT NOW to accomplish what you're working on TODAY - period."

I don't have to be that nice. I don't have to refuse money people want to give me. I don't have to answer so many questions - or answer them so honestly.

But I do, and for free. And it DOES take up a lot of my time.

At the same time, I teach business owners how RUDE it is NOT to share helpful resources. If you know about something that could help someone, or if YOU could help someone, it's just plain rude not to put it out there. That's my opinion anyway.

 

"You're So Lucky."

Nothing upsets me more than that statement, or anything close to it. It bothers me (deeply) when people call me "lucky." I am anything but. My life has been HARD.

If this is luck, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

I actually get that all the time in my niche work as @LowCarbTraveler (the weight loss niche). Interestingly I find many parallels between the two niches, topics, markets - whatever you want to call it. Everyone wants to lose weight / make money online.

Everyone struggles making it happen. Both are easy, yet they are HUGE markets due to the failure rate. Everyone who DOES achieve success is just... "lucky" - or has some magical super power or privileged circumstances, of course. Not true.

I'm just learning as I go, feeling things out as I go, and keep doing more of what works and less of what doesn't (which is plenty). That's it. Nothing I do, nothing I've achieved, is anything that ANYone couldn't also do - or do better. Period.

I offer to help others do just that. I share tips, ideas, resources & examples all the time. Of course... refer back up to the last section. 🙄

This is probably one of my biggest personal triggers.

It usually makes me cry. Hard.

Especially when people make snide comments about how LUCKY I am to only have to "cook for one." THAT is luck? Wow. I'd give ANYTHING for a family to eat with.

You have no idea how ALONE I feel, or how lonesome I truly am. That one hurts.

Think before you speak. One person's "luck" maybe be their weakest point.

Why do you think I've been so successful at online business? What is my secret to 20 full years of success? FEAR. I'm afraid of starving. I'm afraid of losing it all. I'm afraid of being homeless. Because I have experienced all three, more than three times each, and it's SCARY AS HELL. Fear drives me. There's no "luck" about it.

 

The Failure Rate

If it's so easy, why do so many people fail at it?

For a number of reasons, like: the wrong mentality, the wrong approach, not following through, studying but not implementing, making excuses, fear of failure, etc.

Just like the weight loss niche, people want a quick fix with fast results. It seems like people expect magic, without really putting in any effort. You can't just snap your fingers (or buy one ebook) and be fit, rich and successful. It doesn't work like that.

With weight loss, you have to STOP dieting (what people assume they should do), and just start BEING healthy. It's a lifestyle change - a BIG one - and one that takes time, and requires permanent change. Having a successful business is not much different.

You have to change your way of thinking, you have to get in the entrepreneur mindset, and you have to stick it out no matter what. You have to figure out what works for you, tweak as you go, power through the challenges, and keep your eye on the goal.

It's not that hard. Losing weight is the easy part. Starting a business is the easy part. BEING that person you really want to be, doing the work to make the lifestyle changes and to achieve your goal, that's all it really takes.

I've failed too. I failed at my goal of losing weight and getting healthy. I've failed in business more times than I want to count or care to share. That's part of it.

The difference is I just kept figuring out the problem and finding solutions. I dusted myself off and got right back on track. I never let myself stay derailed for long - because I KNEW what I wanted.

That's the key: wanting it bad enough. Everything else is just blame or excuses.

And I mean everything. Trust me, you cannot possibly come up with worse circumstances than I've endured myself in the last two decades. And I still did it.

You either WANT it bad enough to MAKE it happen... or you don't.

 

 

Learning From Negativity & Resistance

I wondered why nobody responded to this quote graphic & discussion. Then someone TOLD me why. I was glad too. Sometimes you're just left wondering, scratching your head at why nobody wants you to help them achieve what they obviously want.

She said "the copy made her nauseous" and that the analogy is way overused.

She said the whole do what you love thing is getting OLD.

I wrote that piece on a whim, after that quote crossed my screen. It's the long version of me saying, "I really want to help you achieve what I *know* you really want."

Anyone who is following me obviously does.

Am I making a wrong assumption here? If you're reading my blog, reading my email, following my updates... you want to have a successful online business. Right?

She also made a comparison between her situation and mine, and why SHE felt I could succeed when she could not. That was her perspective of me and my talents or skills - but an inaccurate one. You can read the discussion that followed here.

 

Reacting vs Responding

It's human nature for your first reaction to be defensive. Especially if you assume something is a personal attack. It's usually not. It's often just a reflection of their issues or feelings - and has nothing at all to do with YOU.

For some crazy reason everyone likes to think everything is all about them.

That's rarely the case though. VERY rarely.

My initial reaction was to pull all of my offers off the table and just give up trying to help anyone. I have my own work to do, I have my own successful business to run in my own niche - that I love. I don't HAVE to help anyone else.

I've had a similar knee-jerk reaction in my low carb niche, too. Some days certain things cross my screen that really hurt my feelings or piss me off, and I feel like saying "screw it." Why help people that just want to be hateful?!

Especially considering all the FREE work I do, and all the questions I answer. Grr.

Why don't I throw in the towel? Because I know my initial reaction is wrong. That's why I don't respond immediately. Of course I FEEL that way sometimes, but then I step away and take a deep breath - and remind myself that it is NOT about ME. Hell, they don't even KNOW me. There are other times it IS about me (a direct attack, or even just constructive criticism), in which case I still step away and take a deep breath.

Which is much smarter than throwing my computer straight out the window - which I've been tempted to do, more than twice.

I refuse to let any one person or any one comment (or a dozen) dictate what I do, or whether I achieve MY goals or not.

 

Being Smart vs Getting Defensive

It may seem like I'm being defensive in this piece. And maybe I am. But I'm sharing the RAW reality and these very real thoughts with you for a reason. I know I'm not alone. You've probably thought or felt similar things - or feared them.

So what do you do?

How you handle these situations (and your emotions, feelings, reactions) can make or break your business. Quitting over something like that gives a total stranger the power. That's stupid. It's your life, it's your business, YOU are in control. Stay that way (in control). Being defensive, or being a jerk, is not ideal either. Decide how you want to present yourself, professionally speaking.

There are two BIG things you can learn from negativity.

1. You can learn what your market does NOT respond favorably to, and why. This gives you the opportunity to better craft your messages in the future.

And 2. You learn your markets biggest pain points.

That second point is pretty damn important.

In many of these cases (like my biggest trigger: being called LUCKY), you have the opportunity to share your story - and to help someone realize how fortunate they are, or that they CAN achieve success.

You have the opportunity to open their eyes, and their mind, and help them see past their feelings and fears and misconceptions... and you can give them HOPE.

Because I am NOT lucky.

I may be a successful online business owner with an amazing lifestyle and a great ass in size four pants... but luck had NOTHING to do with any of that.

* deep breath *

You (I) have to let it go, and realize the true source (their pain point)... and use that information to better serve your market. It's not about you (me). It's a very revealing scenario that can help you grow, and help you ... help them.

 

"the marketer determines the price, the buyer determines the value."

This is some serious truth. I remember wavering over spending fifty bucks on an ebook about affiliate marketing something like 13 years ago. WOW. It's true though. I thought that was a lot of money for "an ebook." I can't tell you the number of times I've laughed at myself over that in hindsight. I mean, I'm a Super Affiliate now.

Do you know what kind of RETURN I've had on that investment?! Yeah: WOW. That one pdf file was worth WAY more than $50. Add zeroes. Lots of them.

In the same way, when I share something valuable, YOU determine the value it holds to you. The value is directly related to your situation, your mentality, and your own unique frame of reference. It does not necessarily reflect on my intentions.

Like I said earlier, if you're following me then I KNOW you want a successful online business - so don't roll your eyes when I share a resource or offer to help you do that.

You're doing yourself a disservice by always judging others so harshly, instead of using what you see and feel to determine how YOU want to do business - or stopping to analyze your REACTION, and it's true source.

Your fear of failure does not make ME wrong for offering to help you succeed.

Am I bitching?

No. I'm trying to get under your skin - on purpose.

With the truth, even.

Why? Because there's a lesson in this.

There's nothing wrong with marketing.

There's nothing wrong with wanting to help people achieve something. That's what business is all about. But if you don't put yourself out there and piss a few people off, or get ANY negative reactions at all... you'll never really know your market's true pain points. And if you don't get THAT, how can you ever help them at all?

That's lemonade.

The more mean, nasty, rude, negative or insensitive someone is... the more you learn about them, and about how they think and feel.

And THAT is where you can really start to make a difference.

If you stop, breathe, consider the source, and turn that problem into a solution.

Analyze your feelings, and your knee jerk reactions, and analyze the emotions and reactions of your audience. THIS is where things can get good, and where your business can REALLY grow.

THIS is where you can make a real impact - in your own life, and in the lives of others.

And this... is what separates the true entrepreneurs, from the wannabe's.

 

Don't Fear Rejection

It's a basic human need, to be accepted. Get over it. If someone wants to unsubscribe from your newsletter, good riddance. If someone is attacking you, block user. If someone doesn't like your style: "go find someone you do like."

I've fired consulting clients, I've cut people out of my life, I've unsubscribed people from my list, I've banned people from my social streams.

Rejection is a good thing. Cull out the weeds. Get rid of the crap. Focus on the people that want what you have. Everything (and everyone) else is a total waste of your time.

 

There you go. We DID come around to some good points here.

I'm glad I slept on this one before I finished and published it. 🙂 Because how it started out yesterday... is NOT how it should have ended.

There's another tip for you. If you know you're overly upset, emotional or "triggered"... sleep on it before you respond. (I said RESPOND, not react.)

I hope you enjoyed this talk, and got something valuable out of it.

If anything pissed you off, or pushed YOUR buttons... stew on that for awhile. There may just be lemonade in there. Once you get over being sour at me for it, figure out what to DO about it.

Best,

p.s. If you have something shitty to say about this, by all means - let it fly.

I'm just going to use that to make my life and business stronger.

 

About Lynn Terry

Lynn Terry is a full-time Internet Marketer with over 17 years experience in online business. Subscribe to ClickNewz for the latest Internet Marketing trends & strategies, Lynn’s unique case studies, creative marketing ideas, and candid reviews…more»

Discussion

  1. I love you. That is all. ❤❤❤

  2. Thanks to Jackie Lee, who shared this out. I really appreciated hearing this. People often speak from their POV and forget that there is a real living person on this side of the screen too!

  3. Wow, this post is just another awesome reason why I follow you. You show the real you and that is one of the big reasons what makes me do so.

    You don't pretend to be someone you're not...thanks for sharing and being "real" =)

  4. You're the strongest, most giving person I've had the pleasure of following for many years. Your "luck" only comes from years of work, learning, sharing and applying, even when you're personal circumstances stunk. ❤️❤️❤️

  5. Tiffany Lambert says:

    Saw myself in there.

  6. Ray Kelly says:

    That was a great "rant" and so true.
    I never use the word "luck" because it doesn't
    really exist. I really means you have had to work
    like crazy to get your luck.

  7. Yep, Yep and more Yep. You really can't "discuss" until you "think". And you can't "think" if you are busy reacting. For me, the best thing you said was right at the end.

    "I'm glad I slept on this one before I finished and published it. Because how it started out yesterday... is NOT how it should have ended." I often write out my feelings and reactions to purge them. Then I review, revise and speak my truth. Sometimes it takes many revisions to get to the real message, and sometimes I just delete it at that point. But the magic has been done. I've turned the experience into something that is useful for me, and sometimes for others, too.

    In our current divisive and over-reactive world, we seem to have all reverted to overly tired 5 year olds who are in desperate need of a nap, and it saddens me a lot. But, just like when I would fall down back then, I just stand up again, dust off my behind and keep waddling forward. I seriously think this "instant society" we live in is making everyone ADD/ADHD - they can't seem to focus on anything for more than a couple of seconds. And then they have to react, too often negatively.

    You are human, you react, can't help it. Then once you get over your fearful self, you can pull the nuggets out and return to who you really are all along.

  8. Wow.

    Umm….hmm…

    Well I have nothing shitty to say. (Hope the fact that I don’t doesn’t contribute to not making your business stronger. 😛 )

    Wow….

    OK, give me their names, I want to go after them. (Not really, but sorta.)

    People can be soooooooooo horrible at times.

    And of course you are completely right that when people react as you’ve described it isn’t about you, it is about them.

    They are jealous; they are looking for reasons why they don’t have to deal with their own fear; whatever they are lacking inside or think they are lacking. But that doesn’t make their lashing out any less hurtful.

    I’m speechless over people telling you you are lucky! omg. They have no clue.

    The only way I see luck involved is from that quote of: “The harder I work, the luckier I get.”

    It hurts and upsets me that people have gone after you like that.

    I’m sheltered from all of this because I don’t have a presence (yet) … mine’s coming soon! 😛

    When that does happen, I know it is going to upset me and I will need to breathe and not reply with hostility and probably I'll need a 1:1 with you. 😉

    I think there is an increase in people lashing out. Partly the technology, partly the turmoil these days. Still that doesn’t make it any easier.

    I spend (have spent) lots and lots and lots of time following a variety of online marketers. Not one of them has your integrity and your care, concern and your giving of yourself. Not one even comes close to you.

    P.S. I sent you a note on a different topic before I read your post. Just wanted you to know that earlier note had nothing to do with my reading about all of this.

  9. Speaking before we think or observe, or know the truth is being careless. I love the quote and I am a quote person as well. There is always someone who knows more than I do, and I want to listen to them, and get their expert advice. Kind of sounds like the libs and conservatives need this quote. LOL

    Yes, we are all human beings with feelings. The quote is exactly the reason individuals miss out on something very important. "The better way of doing something." "The more plausible solution." "The first $100." "You next big break."

    No, there is no luck, it is work, determination and being willing to take some chances. Business is business.

    I love your work, your kindness, your attitude, and yes, I just prayed for you today!!! I guess someone told me you needed it.

  10. Wow!!! This was a powerful piece!!! I think you've found the answers to your own questions here!!! I applaud you! Never apologize for who you are and your accomplishments that came from your hard work and not so called "luck"!! Ha!! Smh
    I personally am the queen of ignoring negativity.... I'm grateful for that.
    There are plenty unhappy people out there and it's easy to sit behind their keyboards and pick a person apart. They can stay unhappy. Bye!!! I think you've handle your situation perfectly!!!
    Kudos!!

  11. Thanks to Tiff for sharing this.
    So true and to the point and love your son's joke really made me laugh out loud.

  12. This is so timely. I know there's no magic key to online business, it's all just a matter of wanting it enough, having the right mindset and testing and tweaking until you find what works for you, but it's incredibly helpful to have a reminder of that every now and then, which is what this post has been for me.

    Every now and then I get a load of negative thoughts - what if this latest tweak doesn't work, what if everyone hates it? It's all part of the process, I know. I just need to focus on the solutions. A few years ago when I hit this point I'd be off chasing the bright shiny objects but I'm older and wiser now. 🙂 It's still not much fun, but this post has helped a lot, especially "the marketer determines the price, the buyer determines the value." Thank you.

  13. james samy says:

    Hi Lynn

    Whatever people say about you, I am not bothered
    You an amazing person to learn from.
    I learned many things through your blog post week after week.
    If I am not successful is because of my actions.
    I thank God for showing you to me.
    Gratitude Lynn Terry

  14. Sending you love and smiles as always....
    M

  15. Lynn,
    I'll say this about it...

    I bet that felt great to write this one. I agree, some folks just want to trash someone for trying to help regardless.

    Maybe we all should take a lesson here. For those who have nothing good to say, not that everybody has to agree, but they don't have to be trashy. Let's just show them the DELETE button.

    Be Awesome!

  16. This hit home so much that I almost wanted to copy it and send it out to my followers under my name -- but of course, I won't.

    Hang in there. There are many out there who don't think before they send off an email. It is hard not to take it personally.

    You are loved by many.

  17. Lynn, you've always come across as so sweet and so genuine online. It makes me mad that anyone would be unkind to you.

    If there's one thing I've learned, it's that I'm not responsible for what others do or say. And neither are you. 😉 All you can do is be the best version of you. If people want to lash out or question your intentions, that's their problem (not yours!).

    Sending hugs!

  18. Hi Lynn,

    I don't comment very often but really felt compelled to do so today. I understand exactly how you feel! Being another Gemini I have always felt you a kindred spirit. Everything you are saying here about the negativity of people is so true and I for one just got sick and tired of being sick and tired. You try to help people only to find out they are too freaking lazy to help themselves, or they respond negatively when you have done everything in your power to help them.

    You are so much stronger than I am. You have stuck with it where I quit. I couldn't take the lazy ass, whiners anymore. I had my fill of them after 20 years of retail management and couldn't take the BS online anymore. I am strictly an affiliate marketer now and am done with the ebook publishing "help" books.

    Talk about ceasing to be amazed....I would get questions from people that they should have already known if they had read the book they had bought from me. I would tell them what page to find the answer, rather than just giving them the answer, so that they would actually read it! LOL.

    IMHO (In my humble opinion) you have always been a giving individual; devoting so much of your time to helping others make a living online. You are a better person than I. Perhaps your youth has you in a more tolerant stage of life than myself, but it feels as though you are gaining my wisdom as you age. LOL.

    Now there's the thing that so many people just don't get. We have to eat too, but we are not like "used car salesmen". We do advise when something is not for you, but will they listen? Will they read and follow instructions? Hell no. They are lazy ass bitches who want you to do it all for them for free.

    I stay on your list and read your blog because I like you. I know what you are about and I like what you do. Every once in a while I pick up on something new and am thankful for it. As for making lemonade? Screw that. I'm having a lemon margarita and piss on anyone who won't drink it with me! Love you girl!

  19. Deb Henry says:

    Thank you. I really needed to hear that. And thanks to Tiff for sharing the link.

  20. I've learned lots from you over the years. If you're promoting something I don't need at the time, I just hit delete and wait (not long) for a relevant topic.
    You always deliver. You're also one of the strongest people I've seen.
    Thank you.

  21. Excellent, heart wrenching post. I can't remember who said "what other people think of me is none of my business" but it applies here. Love the way you power through and come out on top with your integrity intact. Sending you a virtual hug.

    Thanks to Tiff for the link to this post.

  22. that's one of my triggers too.... I hate it when people use the word "luck" when a person strived hard to get what they want. My brother passed the exam for certified public accountant and a friend of mine said he was lucky, i was pissed and told her my brother worked hard for it.

    I know that it takes work to get what I want but it seems I don't really want my goals bad enough coz sometimes I'm not motivated to do it, so got to re-think my goals.

    Thanks for this post, Lynn.

    I think that's one of my fears, to face people who are haters or those that don't really get what my message is... I'm going to bookmarked this post, so I can re-read it again.

    One thing that really stuck to me is this paragraph:
    It's not that hard. Losing weight is the easy part. Starting a business is the easy part. BEING that person you really want to be, doing the work to make the lifestyle changes and to achieve your goal, that's all it really takes.

    I will make this into a photo quote. 😀

  23. At this point I think I've known you for more than 10 years online. I've never thought of you as anything more than someone who's not only worked hard to make a living being self employed but one of the most giving people of your time and expertise. I haven't asked you a lot of questions over the years but the few I have asked you've always answered. You've always been gracious; anyone who's missed that and thinks it's all luck has no clue!

    With that said, I've put out things over the course of just about 12 years of blogging, two newsletters for 10 years, 3 books and a few other products. I've gotten very little feedback on any of it over time, positive or negative. I did have one person say something negative about my first book at a point when I was only 50% through it and decided to share a piece with him, and it bothered me... for about an hour. Over time, I've learned that other people's negativity or silence doesn't define me, and if I let it bother me longer than that one hour then I'm not meant to be trying to do anything positive with my life.

    What most people forget is that every overnight sensation spent years working on their craft, no matter what it is, to achieve good things in their life. To condemn or demean someone for their success is their problem, not the problem of the person who succeeds. Let it flow off you like water flows off a duck's back, and continue being the nice person you are. Nice trumps negative, every day, every hour; just keep being you. 🙂

  24. Lynn,
    We all go through the rough times. Sorry you're going through it now.
    Your heartfelt post is very much appreciated by me. Like they say, haters gonna be hatin', that's just what they do. Some just like to spew acid from their anonymous position. Some even pride themselves on how ugly they can come across. Dump 'em. They don't deserve you.

    Ignore the foolish, and concentrate on the good. You usually do, I know, but sometimes stuff just bubbles over. Perfect storms. That's life.
    Personally, I appreciate your work, and the way you do it. Even though my own persona is different than the one you present, I value the insight it gives me for the varieties of internet marketing, and reminds me there is more than one way to get things done.

    Luck, as we know, is the intersection of opportunity and preparation.
    Yes, PREPARATION!
    The very thing that you've been doing your best to offer us here! Our own preparation.

    Thanks for having the guts to do it your way.

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