This may across as rambling, or maybe a rant, or perhaps something good will come out of it - for both you and for me. It's hard to say as I sit down to write this, with the thoughts swirling in my mind like the makings of a hurricane...
We need to talk.
Or I do, at least...
I'm just going to talk openly if that's okay. We'll see where it takes us.
I like this quote by Tony Robbins about focusing on solutions.
We all have problems now and then, some bigger than others, sometimes more than our share or whatever.
You can't just ignore them (problems). Well, I guess you can - but that's a response in itself.
I like to acknowledge problems or issues, allow myself to FEEL what I feel about them, then turn my attention to finding solutions or making changes.
I enjoy quotes and quote graphics.
Sometimes the right quote at the right time can really speak to me. One crossed my screen the other day that I decided to share actually. You may have seen it?
Or maybe not. It got ZERO response.
Actually, that's not true. It did make one person nauseous...
Why do some things bother me SO deeply?
I suppose for the same reason certain things bother you a lot.
We all have our triggers, sore topics or whatever. Right? I know I have mine. And for some reason they've been tripped one after the other this week.
I'll share a few of them with you, because I think you should have a little glimpse into MY side of the screen. I'm a very real person, and I have feelings too.
People give me "a piece of their mind" all the time, so here's my piece. Fair trade. 🙂
I don't know what it is lately. I can't seem to share a cool resource, post a quote graphic, or offer to help someone without my intentions being questioned or catching slack for it. It seems like everything I do, say or share offends someone.
And boy do they ever let me know about it. 😛
I blame the stars. I believe the moon is in Uranus right now...
That was funny - courtesy of my son. His jokes are the best.
Anyway, I've had some rough hits lately both in my work and in my personal life. It never ceases to amaze me how rude, insensitive, selfish or mean people can be. Especially when someone is trying to help them, or already feeling down - or just in general: Why do people have to be so negative? I figured out why, actually...
"You're just trying to sell me something."
I heard that earlier this week, along with: "that gave me the icky used car salesman feel." I can't help how you feel about something I do or say, or what your initial reaction or response is. The only thing I can control is my intentions...
But if you (also) thought anything similar, you should know this:
SIX times in the last three days I have UNsold myself, or downsold someone on what they thought they wanted - to what I felt would better suit them.
I declined THREE consulting clients that wanted to pay me to help them, because I knew without a doubt it wasn't the right time for them (to get the most out of it).
I told two people NOT to buy Script Engage for their business, because it wasn't a right fit for them (in my expert opinion).
As for the Paydrill software, I shared that and very clearly said: ONLY IF you have this problem. I never said "it's a must have!" I just figured other people (like me, who have that problem) would seriously appreciate that resource - as much as I did.
I'm trying to be helpful. Never once have you heard me say, or even hint that: "I don't really care if you succeed or not. I just want your money." That's not me.
I'll UNsell you on things all day long. The members of my Private Brainstorming Group hear me say it all the time: "Don't buy anything you don't need RIGHT NOW to accomplish what you're working on TODAY - period."
I don't have to be that nice. I don't have to refuse money people want to give me. I don't have to answer so many questions - or answer them so honestly.
But I do, and for free. And it DOES take up a lot of my time.
At the same time, I teach business owners how RUDE it is NOT to share helpful resources. If you know about something that could help someone, or if YOU could help someone, it's just plain rude not to put it out there. That's my opinion anyway.
"You're So Lucky."
Nothing upsets me more than that statement, or anything close to it. It bothers me (deeply) when people call me "lucky." I am anything but. My life has been HARD.
If this is luck, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
I actually get that all the time in my niche work as @LowCarbTraveler (the weight loss niche). Interestingly I find many parallels between the two niches, topics, markets - whatever you want to call it. Everyone wants to lose weight / make money online.
Everyone struggles making it happen. Both are easy, yet they are HUGE markets due to the failure rate. Everyone who DOES achieve success is just... "lucky" - or has some magical super power or privileged circumstances, of course. Not true.
I'm just learning as I go, feeling things out as I go, and keep doing more of what works and less of what doesn't (which is plenty). That's it. Nothing I do, nothing I've achieved, is anything that ANYone couldn't also do - or do better. Period.
I offer to help others do just that. I share tips, ideas, resources & examples all the time. Of course... refer back up to the last section. 🙄
This is probably one of my biggest personal triggers.
It usually makes me cry. Hard.
Especially when people make snide comments about how LUCKY I am to only have to "cook for one." THAT is luck? Wow. I'd give ANYTHING for a family to eat with.
You have no idea how ALONE I feel, or how lonesome I truly am. That one hurts.
Think before you speak. One person's "luck" maybe be their weakest point.
Why do you think I've been so successful at online business? What is my secret to 20 full years of success? FEAR. I'm afraid of starving. I'm afraid of losing it all. I'm afraid of being homeless. Because I have experienced all three, more than three times each, and it's SCARY AS HELL. Fear drives me. There's no "luck" about it.
The Failure Rate
If it's so easy, why do so many people fail at it?
For a number of reasons, like: the wrong mentality, the wrong approach, not following through, studying but not implementing, making excuses, fear of failure, etc.
Just like the weight loss niche, people want a quick fix with fast results. It seems like people expect magic, without really putting in any effort. You can't just snap your fingers (or buy one ebook) and be fit, rich and successful. It doesn't work like that.
With weight loss, you have to STOP dieting (what people assume they should do), and just start BEING healthy. It's a lifestyle change - a BIG one - and one that takes time, and requires permanent change. Having a successful business is not much different.
You have to change your way of thinking, you have to get in the entrepreneur mindset, and you have to stick it out no matter what. You have to figure out what works for you, tweak as you go, power through the challenges, and keep your eye on the goal.
It's not that hard. Losing weight is the easy part. Starting a business is the easy part. BEING that person you really want to be, doing the work to make the lifestyle changes and to achieve your goal, that's all it really takes.
I've failed too. I failed at my goal of losing weight and getting healthy. I've failed in business more times than I want to count or care to share. That's part of it.
The difference is I just kept figuring out the problem and finding solutions. I dusted myself off and got right back on track. I never let myself stay derailed for long - because I KNEW what I wanted.
That's the key: wanting it bad enough. Everything else is just blame or excuses.
And I mean everything. Trust me, you cannot possibly come up with worse circumstances than I've endured myself in the last two decades. And I still did it.
You either WANT it bad enough to MAKE it happen... or you don't.
Learning From Negativity & Resistance
I wondered why nobody responded to this quote graphic & discussion. Then someone TOLD me why. I was glad too. Sometimes you're just left wondering, scratching your head at why nobody wants you to help them achieve what they obviously want.
She said "the copy made her nauseous" and that the analogy is way overused.
She said the whole do what you love thing is getting OLD.
I wrote that piece on a whim, after that quote crossed my screen. It's the long version of me saying, "I really want to help you achieve what I *know* you really want."
Anyone who is following me obviously does.
Am I making a wrong assumption here? If you're reading my blog, reading my email, following my updates... you want to have a successful online business. Right?
She also made a comparison between her situation and mine, and why SHE felt I could succeed when she could not. That was her perspective of me and my talents or skills - but an inaccurate one. You can read the discussion that followed here.
Reacting vs Responding
It's human nature for your first reaction to be defensive. Especially if you assume something is a personal attack. It's usually not. It's often just a reflection of their issues or feelings - and has nothing at all to do with YOU.
For some crazy reason everyone likes to think everything is all about them.
That's rarely the case though. VERY rarely.
My initial reaction was to pull all of my offers off the table and just give up trying to help anyone. I have my own work to do, I have my own successful business to run in my own niche - that I love. I don't HAVE to help anyone else.
I've had a similar knee-jerk reaction in my low carb niche, too. Some days certain things cross my screen that really hurt my feelings or piss me off, and I feel like saying "screw it." Why help people that just want to be hateful?!
Especially considering all the FREE work I do, and all the questions I answer. Grr.
Why don't I throw in the towel? Because I know my initial reaction is wrong. That's why I don't respond immediately. Of course I FEEL that way sometimes, but then I step away and take a deep breath - and remind myself that it is NOT about ME. Hell, they don't even KNOW me. There are other times it IS about me (a direct attack, or even just constructive criticism), in which case I still step away and take a deep breath.
Which is much smarter than throwing my computer straight out the window - which I've been tempted to do, more than twice.
I refuse to let any one person or any one comment (or a dozen) dictate what I do, or whether I achieve MY goals or not.
Being Smart vs Getting Defensive
It may seem like I'm being defensive in this piece. And maybe I am. But I'm sharing the RAW reality and these very real thoughts with you for a reason. I know I'm not alone. You've probably thought or felt similar things - or feared them.
So what do you do?
How you handle these situations (and your emotions, feelings, reactions) can make or break your business. Quitting over something like that gives a total stranger the power. That's stupid. It's your life, it's your business, YOU are in control. Stay that way (in control). Being defensive, or being a jerk, is not ideal either. Decide how you want to present yourself, professionally speaking.
There are two BIG things you can learn from negativity.
1. You can learn what your market does NOT respond favorably to, and why. This gives you the opportunity to better craft your messages in the future.
And 2. You learn your markets biggest pain points.
That second point is pretty damn important.
In many of these cases (like my biggest trigger: being called LUCKY), you have the opportunity to share your story - and to help someone realize how fortunate they are, or that they CAN achieve success.
You have the opportunity to open their eyes, and their mind, and help them see past their feelings and fears and misconceptions... and you can give them HOPE.
Because I am NOT lucky.
I may be a successful online business owner with an amazing lifestyle and a great ass in size four pants... but luck had NOTHING to do with any of that.
* deep breath *
You (I) have to let it go, and realize the true source (their pain point)... and use that information to better serve your market. It's not about you (me). It's a very revealing scenario that can help you grow, and help you ... help them.
"the marketer determines the price, the buyer determines the value."
This is some serious truth. I remember wavering over spending fifty bucks on an ebook about affiliate marketing something like 13 years ago. WOW. It's true though. I thought that was a lot of money for "an ebook." I can't tell you the number of times I've laughed at myself over that in hindsight. I mean, I'm a Super Affiliate now.
Do you know what kind of RETURN I've had on that investment?! Yeah: WOW. That one pdf file was worth WAY more than $50. Add zeroes. Lots of them.
In the same way, when I share something valuable, YOU determine the value it holds to you. The value is directly related to your situation, your mentality, and your own unique frame of reference. It does not necessarily reflect on my intentions.
Like I said earlier, if you're following me then I KNOW you want a successful online business - so don't roll your eyes when I share a resource or offer to help you do that.
You're doing yourself a disservice by always judging others so harshly, instead of using what you see and feel to determine how YOU want to do business - or stopping to analyze your REACTION, and it's true source.
Your fear of failure does not make ME wrong for offering to help you succeed.
Am I bitching?
No. I'm trying to get under your skin - on purpose.
With the truth, even.
Why? Because there's a lesson in this.
There's nothing wrong with marketing.
There's nothing wrong with wanting to help people achieve something. That's what business is all about. But if you don't put yourself out there and piss a few people off, or get ANY negative reactions at all... you'll never really know your market's true pain points. And if you don't get THAT, how can you ever help them at all?
The more mean, nasty, rude, negative or insensitive someone is... the more you learn about them, and about how they think and feel.
And THAT is where you can really start to make a difference.
If you stop, breathe, consider the source, and turn that problem into a solution.
Analyze your feelings, and your knee jerk reactions, and analyze the emotions and reactions of your audience. THIS is where things can get good, and where your business can REALLY grow.
THIS is where you can make a real impact - in your own life, and in the lives of others.
And this... is what separates the true entrepreneurs, from the wannabe's.
Don't Fear Rejection
It's a basic human need, to be accepted. Get over it. If someone wants to unsubscribe from your newsletter, good riddance. If someone is attacking you, block user. If someone doesn't like your style: "go find someone you do like."
I've fired consulting clients, I've cut people out of my life, I've unsubscribed people from my list, I've banned people from my social streams.
Rejection is a good thing. Cull out the weeds. Get rid of the crap. Focus on the people that want what you have. Everything (and everyone) else is a total waste of your time.
There you go. We DID come around to some good points here.
I'm glad I slept on this one before I finished and published it. 🙂 Because how it started out yesterday... is NOT how it should have ended.
There's another tip for you. If you know you're overly upset, emotional or "triggered"... sleep on it before you respond. (I said RESPOND, not react.)
I hope you enjoyed this talk, and got something valuable out of it.
If anything pissed you off, or pushed YOUR buttons... stew on that for awhile. There may just be lemonade in there. Once you get over being sour at me for it, figure out what to DO about it.
p.s. If you have something shitty to say about this, by all means - let it fly.
I'm just going to use that to make my life and business stronger.