I'm sure you've been wondering why it's so quiet here at ClickNewz, and whether I ever made it back from vacation - or not. 😛 LOL I did make it back, and I had a wonderful (completely unplugged) 6-day vacation.
I returned a week ago Monday, in good condition even, but things went downhill from there. In fact, I'm not entirely sure where the last 10 days went at all. On my end, it felt like the last week or so crawled by at a snails pace, and disappeared into thin air at the speed of light, all at the same time.
Blame the vacation, the dog days of summer, the idea of being unplugged for that long (given it was my first true unplugging -ever!). Or maybe it's just life... and the typical highs & lows for us manic entrepreneurs. Whatever the case, I took it a step further and iced that cake with pure insanity: I quit smoking.
Yes, I was a smoker. 2+ packs a day for more than 20 years.
I quit on June 28th at 4pm, less than 48 hours before I left on vacation. That may seem crazy, but it seemed like a really good idea to me. And it worked. I knew that getting out of my usual environment and routine would be a great help in kicking the habit, and it was. I've now been smoke-free for 18 straight days.
That looks real pretty on the screen there in black & white: "I've been smoke-free for 18 days". The truth is, it's been pure torture and has accounted for several complete meltdowns. They come and go, with mini-meltdowns and long phases of BLAH in between. I can't sleep, I can hardly eat, and I feel like I'm in some kind of time warp. The other morning it took me 3 hours to get up and ready and out of the house - what normally takes just 45 minutes. I can't figure it out - I did everything the same as I normally do. Time just feels strangely slow at the moment.
Lifestyle Design: Creating A Life You Love
Why in the world would I put myself through this?? (I've been asking myself that every hour -lol) While I have a great life, one many might envy even, I am always in a constant state of growth & improvement.
I'm happier than I've ever been -in the grand scheme of things of course, not necessarily in this particular moment (duh- at this exact moment in time I feel like banging my head against the wall!). But happier or not, I haven't been 100% happy. In fact for most of 2009 I was fairly unhappy, and so I started this year with the intention of making serious changes.
It's much easier to sit around and complain about how things are, or wish things were different, than it is to step out and make real change.
Last year I did a lot of complaining and wishing. But I've learned that the louder that conversation gets in your head, the closer you are to stepping out of your comfort zone and starting the process of real change.
Change is hard. You have to leave your comfort zone -which is a truly nice comfy place, even if things within it are not necessarily positive. (We often lie to ourselves about how things really are, and convince ourselves it's actually fine. We don't even question the lies in our head, we just believe them.)
I miss my comfort zone.
In the last 6 months I've been changing my diet, started exercising regularly again, have been seeking out a church and other social groups, doubled my income, am finally settling in and making home in my new house, started dating someone seriously after a decade of single life, adopted a Great Dane pup... and finally, quit smoking.
A LOT of uncomfortable change. But it was that last one that did me in.
My whole world feels completely shattered at the moment, much like my poor little iPad. I'm in the process of putting all the pieces of my life back together. This time, the way I want them. Healthy, happy - and balanced.
Balance. That's a tough one. I think everyone struggles with it to some extent. In the process of quitting smoking, I've discovered that I'm obsessive to a fault. The reason I can't just smoke socially, or do anything in moderation really. Also the reason for my success in business, I'm sure. So at the moment I'm putting some serious thought into this (obsessively I'm sure) to figure out a solution. A balance. Between meltdowns, of course. Detox is harsh.
So that's where I am right now. Somewhere between two places, but definitely on the better side of the line. The fact that I published this blog post is proof - it only took me three days to write it... LOL.
Is it worth it? I'm sure it will be. Right now I feel like throwing myself off a bridge, but I'm holding strong and pushing hard to just get through this phase.
Habits and addictions are evil. -so is complacency.
Positive change doesn't come easy. Whether it's quitting smoking, losing weight, creating a successful business, changing your lifestyle, whatever - it's hard work. You can't get the highs without the lows, though. You either make the sacrifice, go all in... or stay happily unhappy.
Onward and upward...
p.s. Earlier today I ordered the Canon Vixia SF20 mentioned in my last blog post about podcasting. It should arrive on Tuesday (7/21). I figure that will give me something new & fun to focus on, and help me get back on track with the series