Need Sales Paged Critiqued

[tomstark]

Hey, my brother and I just finished the Thank You/Sales page for my website, so any critiquing/constructive criticism would be great. Thanks!

http://motocrosshideout.com/thankyou.html

[tomstark]

No one can help me?

[angienewton]

I'm not a copywriter so I can't really give you feedback there but I would love to see maybe a picture of one of the bikes at the very top because although I love to see the picture with the awards, when I read the first line about riding (in red) I would imagine not everyone would know it's motor cross right away even with the name of your site. Could be horseback riding ya know? LOL So maybe add a clear explanation in the beginning and a different picture or additional one with a bike at the top.

Hope this helps!

[tomstark]

I'm not a copywriter so I can't really give you feedback there but I would love to see maybe a picture of one of the bikes at the very top because although I love to see the picture with the awards, when I read the first line about riding (in red) I would imagine not everyone would know it's motor cross right away even with the name of your site. Could be horseback riding ya know? LOL So maybe add a clear explanation in the beginning and a different picture or additional one with a bike at the top.

Hope this helps!

lol, not to be rude, but I don't think people would be on my site and reading it if they didn't know what motocross is. If that's what you mean. Do you know who to ask about making good sales pages? Thanks

[angienewton]

Yea I thought about that but you never know!

Off the top of my head I can't think of someone to ask about copy writing but I'll post back if I come across anyone.

[Bonnie]

Hi Tom,

You need to proofread your copy better. There are several errors. Here are just a few:

First bullet: delete "the" before "them"
"2. Knowledge..." -- add apostrophe to "others"
Caption of photo is out of alignment (at least on my screen)
"Don't ride like your on life support" -- "your" should be you're

(There are more errors -- just re-read everything very carefully.)

You start talking about "these techniques" without saying what the techniques are. What techniques are you talking about? The bullet points mentioned earlier? It's not clear. Be specific and define each technique.

You talk about your ebook and your hero, then say "Do you think that he got where he did by sitting around on his butt?" I believe your product is going to be very hard to sell because of the truth of that question -- no one every became a champion rider by reading a book (which is usually done sitting around on your butt). Everyone reading your sales page will be thinking that. So your challenge is to convince them that reading your book is better than getting out there on their bike and practicing.

Example: you say "Do you want to win more races?
This book can help you do that."

You need to explain HOW the book can do that. Because the question in the reader's head is going to be "How can reading a book help me win more races?" They are not just going to take your word for it. They'll want proof. Give some examples of your tips -- some of your best ones -- to whet their appetites and help them understand that reading really can improve their riding.

You show a photo of you (I assume) with trophies, but don't say anything about your accomplishments. Later you say you are 16. Why should readers feel confident about paying a "Kid" to teach them how to ride like a pro? You need to explain WHY you are an authority on the subject, what makes you an expert, why they should believe you can help them.

Unless you've won so many times that people in your sport will recognize your name and know who you are, you'd probably have better results if you eliminate the photo of you and do NOT give your age. (But still list your accomplishments and establish yourself as an expert who knows what he's doing.)

Instead of saying your book is underpriced, say it's a good value, but then you'll need to back that up -- why is it a good value? Can you give any examples of people who have read about your techniques or used your book to become better? Will reading your book reduce their "learn by trial and error" time?

If no one has read your book yet, maybe you should give free copies to several riders and then ask them for testimonials BEFORE you try to sell it.

[tomstark]

Yeah, I would have fixed the grammatical errors, but it's all of that other stuff that I'm not very good at. My older brother wrote most of this as a rough draft, so now I'll try to clean it up as best I can. Thank you very much Bonnie! Yeah, I have and will be giving the book out to a few of my friends that ride and see what they think. I'll report back when I think I have it figured out. Thanks again!

[Engage]

Here's a generic suggestion, which might be applied to any sales page.

Take a couple days away from your sales pages, and then return, and pretend it is somebody else's sales page. Pretend it's my sales page, and that you just stumbled upon it in a Google search.

How does it read now? Is your credit card on the table? Really? Honestly? If not, what changes to the page would get your credit on the table?

This is a very challenging exercise, that even old pros would struggle with, so don't feel bad if it feels impossible. Just something to play with, if you find it helpful.