For most people, the idea of having a successful online business and/or working from home is all about strategic lifestyle design.
About financial security, spending more of your time doing things you enjoy, and ultimately - about being "happy".
In the beginning, most of us need to focus on the financial end of that dream in order for the rest of it to fall into place.
Here's something I discovered though, and you may have already discovered this yourself: the rest of it doesn't necessarily fall into place on it's own.
The title says "I'm Struggling". This is an actual test result from earlier today, and results I already knew and expected...
While I was on my way to Vegas for the Affiliate Summit West event, I passed a book store and the display caught my eye. I stopped and bought two of the books displayed, and then hurried off for my flight.
One of those books was Well Being: The Five Essential Elements by Tom Rath and Jim Harter. Let me just say upfront, I don't necessarily recommend you read this book.
It's dry and quite difficult to get through, unless you like statistical data and boring text. You really have to either love to read, or have a genuine interest in the subject, to get through this one...
And I did. Have a genuine interest, that is.
It's not that there isn't good information in the book, because there is. It just isn't what you'd call a "page turner". And I'll share the main points here in this post with you anyway.
Back to my interest in the topic of well-being... For some time now I've been working on making positive changes in my life. That time specifically being: since I achieved my financial goals. Career and Finances, by the way, are 2 of the 5 elements that affect our overall well-being according to the book.
The positive changes I've been attempting to make have to do with the other three elements: Health, Social & Community. That's why this particular book caught my eye, and why I spent the time to read it (or in this case, chew it like a bad steak).
The book confirmed, through pages and pages of dreadful statistical data, exactly what I was feeling and thinking about the things that are missing in my life. The up side is that confirmation was a positive, and the book also discussed solutions. Even better, it inspired some creative thinking and motivation - both of which I needed.
Here it is all laid out in a pretty picture:
I couldn't have said it better myself. 😛
After reading the book, I took the online "well being finder" (test). As you can see in the image above, you are scored in all 5 categories. You are either Thriving, Struggling or Suffering. As I said earlier on, these were results I expected - and already knew about myself. I'm thriving in career/financial areas of course, and struggling/suffering in the other areas.
Interestingly, you can compare your results with others. My score was only a couple of points different compared against other women, compared against people in my age group, and even compared with people in my income bracket. We scored different in different categories, but came out with the same overall score.
Which lead me to wonder - If most people are struggling or suffering in a few of the areas, which areas would I prefer to be thriving in? Food for thought...
What Is "HAPPY" Anyway?!
This is a question I've been asking for the better part of a year now.
Happy is not something tangible like, say, a brownie. A warm, gooey melt-in-your-mouth chocolate brownie. I bet you could almost taste that on the tip of your tongue as you read it, couldn't you? I could! But happy, now that's a different story. Try describing it. Every word you can come up with is just another intangible elusive description of something you can't really describe.
It's something you can fake. But not something you can make - like a pan of brownies. I don't care what anyone tells you, you cannot manifest happiness out of thin air. That would be like choosing who you love or who you don't, which is unfortunately impossible and has made plenty of people very UN-happy.
You can tolerate people. You can be nice to them even. But you can smile too, without actually being "happy".
These are the kinds of thoughts that occupy my mind while enjoying my morning coffee, or watching the sun set. I imagine that everyone is content about something in their life, and discontented about other things. The way I see it, we're all equally happy & unhappy for the most part - just for different reasons. Which is exactly what the book and data and their test result comparisons confirmed...
Achieving Balance - Is It Even Possible?
I like to think so.
We were just discussing that over at Nicole's blog: Balancing Work & Family. The various answers were interesting. Again, confirming that you and I are not the only ones that struggle with this kind of thing.
On balance, the world would have us think that all we have to do is get rich (or achieve "financial freedom"), and everything else will work itself out. That is simply not the case. Just like investing in your career or business, the other areas of your life require an investment as well - in order to thrive, that is.
We make hundreds, if not thousands, of choices every single day that affect where we fall on the thriving/suffering graph. (I prefer to think that life just happens to me and I had no part in all this... but then I don't get to take credit for my thriving career -lol) I like how the book breaks it down into 5 categories, and discusses how each of those relate to the others: Career, Health, Financial, Social, Community.
The choices we make include what to say, do, eat, drink, not say, not do, not eat, not drink, etc. We might choose not to take a morning walk, not to have a healthy breakfast, and therefore not to feel our best for the rest of the day. Our choice. That choice might affect how we perform at work, how people respond to our performance, and our perception of work in general. You get the point...
I love the idea of looking at it as micro-choices, versus the big picture. It's much easier, and much less overwhelming. It also helps you own the outcome (take personal responsibility) which can be very empowering.
What It Takes To Be Happy
According to the book, it takes a good score in all 5 of the categories to achieve an overall sense of well being. I like that term: "well being". It's much easier than "happy", because even when I haven't necessarily felt happy... I couldn't say I was UN-happy either.
From what I can tell, most people are Struggling. We're all trying to figure out how to get into the Thriving section of the graph. The key is taking a holistic view of your life and lifestyle, and investing in the areas that need the most work.
This is exactly what I've been doing over the last year. You've probably seen some of that transformation take place if you follow my updates on Twitter or Facebook. You've seen me adopt a dog, start dating, take vacations, enjoy new personal interests, take long walks, buy a new car, etc. And I'm still working on it.
How This Relates To Online Business...
I bring this topic up because I think my results (graph above) make a mighty big statement. Specifically about what it takes to create a balanced, enjoyable, fulfilling lifestyle as an online business owner.
There are people that eat, breathe & sleep this stuff. That live for the next big idea. Wake up half a dozen times a to check stats from their mobile. Hop from one thing to another and test new off-the-wall stuff out the wazoo.
Then there are people that quietly run a successful online business in as few hours as humanly possible and spend the rest of their waking hours actually creating and living a real life.
I know, because I used to be the former and am now working on becoming the latter. I was just talking to a friend via email last week about that - about what an impact passive income has had on her life in the last year, and what it enabled her to achieve in her personal life. The kind of things you just couldn't do otherwise...
Regardless of how (obviously) enjoyable my work is, and the fact that I'm thriving financially, I can tell you firsthand that having important elements missing in your life does take its toll.
Put serious consideration into this - into your overall state of well being - as you create your business model and your ideal lifestyle. You certainly don't want to end up with a graph like mine -lol. I'm continuing to work on it as well, and even have an entire Lifestyle section in my Project Management software. Specifically to make and track changes and progress in those areas.
It's that important - and success in those areas won't happen on it's own, just like success with your online business. You have to be proactive about making it happen.
I hope this topic has given you food for thought, and some ideas for achieving your ideal life & career. Ooh, and speaking of food thoughts...
I'm off to make that pan of brownies! 😀
I would love to hear your thoughts, and specifically what you think about the concept of "happiness" in general. Without even taking the test, can you imagine where you are thriving / struggling / suffering in each of the categories??
Best,
p.s. The other book I bought at the airport book store was The 1% Solution for Work and Life: How to Make Your Next 30 Days the Best Ever
. I'm reading it next, and I'll let you know what I think. Hopefully it's a better read than the first one...
This blog post was sponsored by Duncan Hines (haha - Just Kidding!)
About Lynn Terry
Zig Ziglar has been talking about balance for 30 years. He likens the areas of your life to spokes on a wheel and if one of them isn't working the wheel doesn't turn the way it should. Balance is definitely something we all need yet few of us seem to achieve it.
Very true. I wonder why that is. Any thoughts? I refuse to continue on out of balance myself - I aim to achieve it, or die trying 😀
Also... my balance may not be your balance so there is no "sure fire" mold to use. You must do/use what feels right to your individual situation. 🙂
Agreed. I know what I'm missing, and why it bothers me, and even how to fix that. But my fixes wouldn't be the "happy pill" for everyone...
Jim Rohn talked about "designing your own life" and said that most people take more care planning a two-week vacation than planning their life. I think most of us tend to live in "fire-fighting" mode - we deal with "what comes up" because it seems the most pressing, without sitting back and asking WHY we're doing it.
Also, I don't think happiness is all or nothing. You can be very happy about one area of your life and unhappy about another. Does that make you a happy or unhappy person? I do believe that happiness is a series of choices, something that's ongoing rather than a fixed point you somehow "arrive" at. You can't manifest it out of nothing, but you can manifest it out of the way you (choose to) think about the various parts of your life.
Hi Lynn,
I love that you are not only doing this powerful work but also willing to share this part of your journey. It is a powerful part. I appreciate the 5 categories shared in the book you discuss here. For me a big eye-opener around this topic came from the book Mastering Life's Energies: Simple Steps to a Luminous Life at Work and Play - by Maria Nemeth. For me there were two big shifts for me - 1) that the roles of work and play hold equally important impact in our lives. And in our society we are conditioned to not only push play to the side most of the time - but not trained how to creatively weave play effectively into all that we do through our work (let alone every other area of our lives). 2) The 5 life energies she explores are Time - Money - Physical Vitality - Relationships - Creativity - and Enjoyment. When I first did my own inventory, what I discovered was that the last one (Enjoyment was nowhere near where I wanted it. And finally that through the leveraging of creativity (which is a key element of fulfillment for me) I could see a multitude of new ways to combine each of these five energies together to create much more ongoing fulfillment for myself in any given moment. This is a very rich topic indeed! I look forward to hearing more about your journey. 😉
Great points, Amy. I think that personal inventory is so very important - particularly for those of us that are constantly striving to improve "quality of life". That's what it boils down to in my opinion, more so than defining or seeking happiness...
Have you seen the study, and I wish I had the link handy, that showed that over time there was no biological difference between synthetic happiness -that which you force- and actual happiness.
Basically your created happiness is happiness. This aligns well with your plan to focus on happiness, which I hope you find. I'm struggling right now, too. In my head I know what I should be focusing on, it's the follow through that is kicking my butt. Some of it is seasonal (where I am in life and more literally in that that it IS February and I miss the sun).
It is a miserable time of year here, isn't it? I'm looking forward to my trip to Melbourne later this month... where it's the end of summer! 😀 It's such a nice trip by this time in our winter.
Slight correction - I'm not so focused on "finding happiness". I have yet to figure out what "happy" actually means... LOL. The truest way to describe my quest is "to improve overall quality of life".
I think FUN is a better word for me, than Happy. I get a lot of enjoyment out of my career (and my trips & peers in the industry) and out of my children. But I've reached a point in my life where I want/need (not sure which) more. More love, laughter, enjoyment, anticipation, acceptance, connection, etc.
Laughing my tuckus off at the Duncan Hines bit! 😀 Wow, this really is so powerful, Lynn. It is the same exact 'word of warning' I get from the weight loss bloggers. They've lost a lot of weight and one of them specifically put it into words that really hit me between the eyes. He's 'skinny' now, but, he's still the same 'him'. And with you - you're 'flush' now, but, you're still the same 'you'. So as two people who I look up to, see as my 'ideal', what that tells me is ....
LOVE LISA NOW! LOVE LIFE NOW! It's not gonna be rosy when I'm flush and it's not gonna be rosy when I'm skinny. Or rather, because I'm flush or skinny. And for some strange reason that I can't quite explain that makes me feel more hopeful that I can, indeed, achieve 'flush and skinny' (nice new blog name - ha!) but, more importantly, that....
EVERYTHING IS AND CAN BE OKAY TODAY!
I'm not totally understanding myself or these feelings, but, I think it's mostly that the mess around me is just life. Get comfortable in it today ....which gives me more confidence ...which, in turn, gives me more hope ....to achieve those goals I desire.
I think, for the test, I'd be around 5, 6 or 7 with all five areas, because, I'm working on all of them. So they're struggling, because, I've let them go - but, I'm taking baby steps to progress and that's good.
That is exactly it!
There is no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.
We're simply meant to enjoy... the rainbow.
That's not to say that I don't love goals and encourage everyone to achieve everything they can in life. But to think there is some magic fix or some prize at the end of the journey is what keep us from enjoying the days in between for what they are.
This is the very reason I'm working proactively toward improving the other areas in my life - for more personal enjoyment, the kind that counts.
p.s. Rooming with you at the Social Fresh event - and all our room service and laughing haha! - ranks right up there with the type of experiences I want more of 😉 FUN is good.
Yes, we TOTALLY had FUN that weekend! Total blast! More of that needed, for sure!!! 🙂
I've a feeling that I've read somewhere that you can actually create happiness. That if you smile and laugh enough that your mind will believe what your physical reactions are telling it.
Of course too much smiling and laughing at nothing just might get you locked up!
Thats what many refer to as "Fake it Til' You Make It". I think it really does work. Keeping yourself around what makes you happy at times is also the key. All work and no play... well you know the rest 🙂
It's an interesting concept. I don't know that smiling and laughing is necessarily my goal - forced or real. A sense of contentment would suffice. I really liked the word "well being" - that describes it well. Besides, at my age I don't need any new laugh lines 🙂 lol
Thanks for sharing your own experience and I get the sense you are making great progress in your journey.
My own thoughts are that I am 'happy' when I know what I want, in whatever area that may be. When I don't know what I then I tend to feel dissatisfied. I don't think my parents generation had that problem ( I'm late 40's) because they had too many big (survival) issues to worry about - we're blessed (in general) with small problems and too many choices - which sometimes makes me feel a bit spoilt when I feel 'unhappy'!
I agree, David. This is definitely a growing issue in our generation. I often wonder how my children will deal with it, or whether we are simply suffering the gap between.
I too feel content knowing what I want, and working toward that - whether I am near achieving it or not. Moving forward seems to be a big part of basic human nature. For some more than others, I notice, but definitely in the entrepreneur types like ourselves.
I do feel like I am making great progress, but only after an entire year of serious soul searching. Those who are close to me have had to endure my endless questioning of life and "happy" - lol. They'll be glad I've moved on to the phase of taking action. 😛
I think we forget to ALLOW ourselves to be happy. In some of the darkest days of my life, I realized that somewhere deep within was a place of joy that I could tap into. I have been surprised at how focusing on joy has changed my life. Once, in a time of unhappiness, I took out the concordance and found every Bible verse I could find on joy, and I wrote each down to meditate upon. I became more grateful, and today, altho I am struggling still in the financial aspect, I have the emotional resources and determination to get where I want to be there. I have work I love, wonderful family, a place I love to live and animals that bring me much happiness. Noticing when we are happy keeps us in that mode, at least it does for me.
I agree. Gratitude is a powerful tool, and one I often use myself. You make an interesting point about allowing ourselves to "be happy". I think it would help if I could define exactly what happy is. After studying it for some time I find it curious that sometimes I can "feel" happy in the exact same circumstances that other times I do not "feel" happy. I've come to a point of enjoying (and even celebrating) the times I do feel the "happy high". Other times it's work, instead of coming easy. I so prefer predictable tangible things like... brownies. 😀
Loving the Duncan Hines joke!...........too funny.
Thanks for sharing Lynn
I believe happiness comes from within..it does for me however it takes continuous work to achieve it especially when I get upset at things that happen during the day eg. disrespectful teenagers, lack of income, bad weather, etc. To transform my mind I think/meditate on things I'm grateful for instead of stressing over what I cannot change that steals my happiness.
Things always change for the better when I have the right attitude.
It's interesting to me that we make such of work of it - or that it's necessary to do so. But that is a common thread in this discussion. I agree that the feeling comes from within, both the good and the bad (or preferably: the positive and negative).
Hey Lynn,
We all struggle in certain areas of our lives and it's tough.
Right now I'm struggling with illness, not my own but with close friends who are suffering terribly. It breaks my heart and I feel so helpless. I do what I can to help them and be supportive, but that just doesn't really make me feel that much better.
I have a friend who lost her husband 2 years ago, he was her life, her only love and they were very close, another very sad story for me. Last time I saw her she said that she describes herself as cheerful but not happy.
If you're not happy I think it must be a struggle to be cheerful.
I have kind of the opposite problem. I'm happy but I'm not someone people would describe as a cheerful, I've got a bit more pensive and serious personality and I struggle with being social, I'm not good at it, I'm actually afraid of it in certain social situations and that makes me unhappy at times. (I think it was those Catholic school nuns smacking me with their rulers if I talked when I shouldn't, LOL! 🙂
Anyway Lynn, I find this all so absurd when I think of you. You're so kind, warm and inviting and I know all that without having even met you. You deserve better - but I think you'll get there.
You've built a successful business and are thriving financially now you have to do the same for your own personal happiness. Judging from your history of making things happen, my bet is you'll succeed there as well 🙂
Keep us posted, Liz
Thank you Liz 😀 I figured it may come as a surprise to some (the areas I'm "suffering" according to the chart), but those close to me know this to be true. I've been on a nonstop (annoying, I'm sure) search for the answers for well over a year now - and also proactively seeking solutions. Which I'll admit, has been difficult and created a lot of disappointments and discouragement, but has also been enlightening.
I think being happy - or content - is great. I don't aspire to be smiling and laughing all day every day. For me, it's simply about filling the void.
I'm sure your friends appreciate you very much. What a gift you must be to them. Friends who carry your heartache and pain right along with you are rare, and to be treasured.
Hi Lynn,
I love this post. It's a big topic of mine as well. Happiness isnt a package that just shows up on the doorstep. I wrote a couple of blog posts on this: Happiness=Success: 3 Research-Based Ways to Cultivate It. Dont mean to aggrandize, its just that the subject matter resonates. Love your post and blog. Best Wishes to you.
Dawn
Thank you Dawn - I look forward to reading your posts on the topic! 🙂
WOW, what a great post Lynn. I work with many women who are Striving for more balance and happiness in their lives and I will be honest and say that most of the times, the reason people aren't "happy" is because they simply don't allow themselves to encorporate more of what makes them HAPPY into their lives. We spend a lot of time doing what he "HAVE" to do and at times push your own desires out of the way.
I think that taking inventory of your life and looking at how you fall in those categories (Career, Health, Financial, Social, Community) is important if you are looking to create more changes in your life. Afterall - if you don't know you are missing something, how do you start to take steps to gaining it.
I usually encourage people to create a list of things that they totally enjoy doing, things they used to do but dont any longer for whatever reason and really get back to doing more of what you enjoy! This isn't to say that you let all of the area's slide as you just only focus on one... but you can in fact boost up the areas that you feel are lacking while maintaining the areas that you are already thriving in.
Thank you, Aurelia! In the Lifestyle section of my Brain Dump, where I'm working on improving in personal areas, I have several lists going. One of them is "Things I Enjoy", another is "Happy Memories" and another is "Things I'd Like To Try". Just as some examples. After years of unbalance as shown on my chart in the post... I've come to realize that I need to plan and proactively work on these areas of my life just as I did my career and parenting.
It's not as easy as it sounds, but it IS something I can achieve. The book was very encouraging in that respect, and I'm enjoying treating it like a "project". 😀
I noticed this a lot last year... just as soon as my online income was enough to relax a bit, I couldn't find any motivation at all for making more money. Suddenly, all I seemed to care about was good food and exercise - something I thought was kind of weird and uncharacteristic for myself!
Then in fact, just this last month or two I've been thinking it was time to expand my social interaction behind the small circle of friends I usually count on.
All in all though, I gotta say I'm pretty happy and the lifestyle provided by web work, but the money definitely ain't everything!
True it's not... not even close. I actually had that very conversation with someone I trust and look up to almost a year ago - exactly - regarding income. I questioned the point in making more than you can reasonably spend, and questioned even more so if I wanted the lifestyle (and responsibility) that came with it...
Great food for thought Lynn...I don't know I sometimes think that were all so busy looking around for happiness or fulfillment we sometimes don't just enjoy the small everyday things that give that to us.
Somewhere along the line we (Society) have come to believe wholeheartedly that we achieve happiness by what we have nd how others percieve us - the career, the money, the nice house but actually very few people who get it are then completely happy.
I know I want them too but then sometimes I will watch a tv program on tribes in Africa that spend there days on the land and providing for there families and enjoying nature and I think wow maybe that is how it's supposed to be.
They have created a life without all the things (we in richer countries) spend our lives striving for they don't know any better (or do and don't want it) so does that make them miserable? or is it just that we are brought up in a society that has lead us to believe 'things' make us happy?
I say go with the 80/20 rule..if your 80% happy most of the time and just 20% questioning your life choices then you are doing well no matter what it is that is making you that happy. If however you are 80% unhappy and only sometimes happy find out why and change it only you can!
When I was young I once said to an older person..how come movie stars always seem to be turning to drugs,drink or having failed relationships I mean they have it all don't they? my friend said to me 'maybe but have you ever thought how happy can they be in the long-run and not become unfulfilled when they are always playing the part of pretending to be someone else, and having to be that with everyone else in public too?' got me thinking that's for sure.
Happiness comes from within money can not give that but it DOES bring finacial freedom which brings an indirect happiness as it's one less thing to worry about. Funny thing is though until you have it most don't know that or think that, so it can then feel an anti- climax...look at some people who win the lottery.
Well I have gone on but thats my take on it, just be don't keep searching, whatever you do try to do, do it with a smile on your face 🙂
Good points, Mel. I am definitely one to appreciate, and even celebrate, the small things. It's how I've kept my sanity all these years -lol. Things like a great cup of coffee, the sunrise, a beautiful snowfall, the one moment out of the whole (long) day where I share a laugh with my children...
I'm still missing something important, something big, and I need to fill that void to flip my 80/20 back around.
Hey Lynn,
Great thought provoking post! Just some thoughts...In light of my recent medical problem, that will take my License for at least a year, I would gladly trade all in the financial column to bring the health column up. My financial column isn't green, but I would spend it all gladly regardless, course I didn't feel that way 10 days ago when I left for work.
There are so many more poor folks than wealthy ones, and I have noticed alot of them are very happy, they have what I would call a spiritual well being, maybe that should be on the graph as well. Just my two cents!
I found it curious that it wasn't one of the 5 elements. I can definitely recall times when I was more spiritually grounded than I am now, and more content in general.
That was actually on my list this past year, and I found & joined a local church - which I enjoyed very much. I had an unfortunate incident with another member though, an unprovoked outburst directed at me. And while I continued to go a few more times, I just never felt "connected" there again and it became more of a negative instead of a positive. So I'm back to square one, but not giving up...
I do hope your health improves, and that this ends up being a positive turning point in your life somehow. I know that for me, some of the worst things I ever went through... ended up being the base from which the best parts of my life were able to happen!
You freakin' ROCK Lynn... need I say more?
I believe that balance is attainable and sustainable. I've been living pretty close to it for a little while now. There's always moments and times when we will temporarily need to step out of balance in order to kick things up a notch in one specific area of life, whether it be finances, relationships, or health... and that's OK, as long as we keep our eyes on the target of balance and don't allow things to get too out of whack.
I am grateful for the online business that I have created, because it would be more difficult to find balance if I had to work 9-5 every day and commute back and forth to work.
I often wonder how people define success as well. If they are super wealthy, but have no friends and poor health are they truly successful?
Also, some of us are much easier to make happy. I really enjoy the simple things in life for example. I also know people who may not earn a substantial income, but it's enough to cover the bills and enjoy life, and they are happier than many millionaires that I know.
Happiness is different to all of us. It's important to know what makes you happy and not chase what happiness means to someone else.
So, so true. And that is exactly what I am after in my quest: to figure out what it is that will truly make me "happy" and DO that. I am not your typical type in regards to wealth or possessions. I live well below my means, and like you love the simple things in life: a long walk, a beautiful sunset, being proud of my children, etc. And fortunately there are enough of those moments in any given day to make all the rest totally worth it.
I think I would be completely content with who I am, with my lifestyle, and with what I've achieved... if I didn't have this longing or wanting inside of me that drives me to satisfy it. I call it a "void" and mainly it has to do with personal connections (adult friends), fun - which is something I sorely miss, and a sense of belonging - somewhere, to something. Interestingly that (sense of belonging) was one of the questions on the "test"...
If you've not seen it, I suspect you'll enjoy this 20-minute TED talk by Dr. Brene Brown...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X4Qm9cGRub0&feature=player_embedded
...and, dang, I just noticed: you two could be sisters!
You seem to be on the right path, Lynn, by trying on experiences that apparently make others happy (e.g., allowing time for a dog, dating and vacations) and by "exposing your Self" here (i.e., embracing vulnerability).
You also seem very achievement oriented (no judgment there, either good or bad, just an observation), and it might be useful to try viewing this quandary with different eyes. What if happiness isn't something you achieve but rather just something you notice in the course of living life exactly as you choose? I'm reminded of a Thoreau quotation:
"Happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder."
I'm also reminded of a scene in the recent "How Do You Know" film (which I'm not necessarily recommending, btw) where Reese Weatherspoon's character seeks counsel and asks the therapist to cut to the chase (I'm paraphrasing) re: his advice. He offers that anyone can be happy if s/he just figures out a) what s/he wants; and b) how to ask for it. From my experience, the first part of that is A LOT harder than it looks -- 😉 -- but perhaps that's what those "hundreds, if not thousands, of [daily] choices" are all about?
Sending my best wishes for your adventure...
Thank you Debi! I will check out the video and look forward to that. I enjoyed the points you shared too - good stuff. You're right that I have tested all of the things "they say" you should do to "feel happy". A pet is right up there on the list, personal relationships, etc. I certainly can't complain if I haven't at least tasted everything on the menu to determine what I do and do not enjoy.
I love Thoreau, by the way 😀
For me, it's the second part that is the hardest. Defining what I wanted came easy. Achieving it (oops, there's that word! lol) has been a little harder.
My first obstacle is living in a small town that doesn't offer much in the way of socializing - both in lack of options and lack of willingness (it seems). That's a mark against my Community score. 😛 I may very well consider moving at some point for that reason alone.
Fortunately I can travel the world, and this is a nice quiet place to come back to. Most of my travel is for business, which does bring much satisfaction. But more often than not I travel alone. On a recent return I found myself alone on the airport shuttle, and then walking alone in a dark parking lot, to drive home alone... and it hit me quite hard.
An adventure indeed. It will be interesting at the very least, if not fun and successful!
I think being an intelligent, independent and successful female Internet marketer makes that little town a bad fit for you, Lynn.
I'm betting there's plenty of places better suited to you that could raise those low scores a bit too. 🙂
I understand that your daughter's social situation is probably a big factor in that decision. It has been with my sons.
Dan
Thank you Lynn, for reviewing this book, so we don't have to read it!
I like the way it is broken down into 5 categories. I use categories in my coaching to help people find out if they are balanced and where they may want to work to attain balance.
I suggest that there is a difference between happiness and joy. I think of being happy as something that comes from external things and that joy is an inner quality that stems from who we are rather than what we experience.
Just a note regarding happiness, when my children were young and would wake up in a "bad mood" I would make them smile 10 times. They never failed to laugh out loud before the 10 times were completed. Just laughing changed their entire mood for the day. They actually have repeated that exercise with their children.
Thanks again for sharing, your review and all the comments are quite interesting.
How sweet - what a creative thing to do 🙂
Happiness or Joy, both are still intangible "feelings", which I find quite interesting. The source came come from so many different places, or not, and seems to come at it's own choosing.
I like that you found a way to manifest it. I may have to try that one, just for fun. 😉
Love this post and the fact that you are working to create more balance in your life. I had to laugh because I read and took the original Strengths Finder test and that book was just as 'dry'. Loved the comment "chew on it like a bad steak"...LOL!
As you said, "Put serious consideration into this – into your overall state of well-being – as you create your business model and your ideal lifestyle." I am taking your advice and a good bit of time to make sure that the business I am creating now doesn't end up putting me in a lifestyle situation that I don't want and also that it is something I can enjoy and be passionate about for a long time.
I find it quite interesting that the book's data and study did not include a separate Faith/Spiritual category (maybe data is lumped in under another category?) as part of the 'essentials' for "well -being'. Tends to give me pause when considering the study results, as I believe that to be an absolutely critical and essential element in my or anyone else's life for true "well-being".
We will always be trying to maintain balance throughout life as things ebb and flow, as events and circumstances change – there are no perfect 10’s. Outside experiences, events, circumstances and people, no matter how great, cannot create true happiness and well-being in the long-run. (Any of those can let you down at any time.)
What I have learned is the need to shift my thought process… to DECIDE to be content and grateful for where I am and with what I have at any point in time, no matter what circumstances. (reference: Philippians 4:11 - 13). Doesn't mean giving up on hopes and dreams and working diligently toward goals and desires, but it certainly helps in dealing with unexpected detours, in my enjoyment of the daily journey and in creating life balance while working to "get there". Granted, it is not always easy to do, but definitely worth the effort. For me, THAT is the *true* measure of balance, happiness and "well-being".
Thanks again for a great thought-provoking review and post, as always, Lynn!
Sheri
LOL - I looked at that book, and wondered if it was just as bad! 😛
The Spiritual topic never really came up, not in any depth at least. I believe there was one example in either Social or Community where a person talked of their tie to their church - but spirituality itself, no. I found that interesting as well.
I love that life is full of surprises, and I even enjoy a good challenge. I've been through my share LOL, from getting side-swiped by a tornado, to raising an unwell child, to an unexpected divorce, to a near-fatal head injury that wiped my memory and left me partially deaf - - just to name a few!
It's not an every day happy dance I'm looking for so much as a better overall balance. Which I obviously need 🙂 I'm very proud of my accomplishments both as a mother and in my career. But now it's time for me to focus on myself, as a woman and an individual outside of those things.
Sheri
I agree with you that the center of well-being is Faith. It is the confidence that no matter what "life" throws at you, that God has your back and is an unending source of comfort, joy and answers.
What i believe is balance cannot always be attained....some situations no matter what you loose the balance and as far as being happy is considered if we always worried about problems then we will never be happy. I really like the last part "how it relates to online business". Well i did learn something
True. Fortunately I'm not a worrier 🙂 Most stuff I take in stride and just keep on truckin. Otherwise I imagine I'd be downright miserable, instead of just questioning the state of happiness and the factors necessary to achieve balance...
Hi Lynn,
I am a Buddhist and the four Buddhist thoughts help me understand where non-happiness comes from for me and happiness I guess is the opposite of non-happiness.
- What's born will die - Life is suffering and understanding where the suffering came from is helpful - at least for me.
- All things are temporary - And desires and attachments create suffering and all are temporary. Not letting go to our true high selfs and the universal enlightened energy or to specific things, people and places many times are the source of our discomfort and not being OK with now.
- Karma [causes and effects] will always come to fruition and letting go of our desires and attachments many times releases our suffering.
- The universal laws of enlightenment are the way to begin to see our higher selfs.
Also I would say serving others, giving loving kindness, connecting with me and my spiritual self self all remind me that happiness always emanates from the inside, not the outside.
Thank you for sharing that, Chris. I wonder that they left Spiritual Well Being out for any specific reason. Your first point "life is suffering" is common across many religions. I wonder why that is, and whether we'll ever know the answer. I think the big lingering question mark ("the point of life") bothers some more than others.
I recently asked each of my children (now teens) - separately - what they felt was the point of life. They both answered the same: to enjoy it. Nothing more, nothing less, just to enjoy what you can of it.
Any of us that are striving for success or are driven suffer these kind of imbalances. Its the nature of the beast that we are.
It stands to reason that while focusing your efforts on one thing you have to pull away from something else. I don't know that you can ever acheive "balance" that to me would sort of equate to mediocrity accross these areas of your life.
For me I focus on what's most important at that time. Where am I most unhappy or dissatisfied and fill that tank up. Give it all I've got knowing I'm not doing it half-assed. Then I move on. Rotating through the areas of my life as they need addressing.
Is it perfect..perhaps not, but we are human, we are flawed and we do the best we can.
Thanks for sharing your journey and wishing you all the best.
Jackie
Good points, Jackie. I've pondered that one a few times - what I am willing to give up to add things in other areas. I agree with you that perfect balance may not be the ideal goal. Not for everyone at least. I aim to work to a place of contentment (which equals: lack of void) and let the rest of the pieces fall where they will.
"Then there are people that quietly run a successful online business in as few hours as humanly possible and spend the rest of their waking hours actually creating and living a real life."
Indeed, this type of marketer is relatively more rare compared to the former type these days. Most people work the whole day doing nothing but sitting in front of the computer long after they've already made it financially though...
I agree with good life balance. Don't think that you can work yourself day and night until you make it rich before you start taking care of your health and relationships.
So many people spend their health in order to gain wealth, and then need to use their wealth in order to gain their health back again...
I believe that you've mentioned this a couple of times before. Start with how you would like to end, and build your business around your desired lifestyle, instead of the other way around. 🙂
Cheers,
Allen
Lynn,
This post really caught my attention. As the mom of twelve children, I guess I never felt the need to pursue "happy". It seems to be part of the very fabric of my life so far. I look at the chart, and the financial part is the most unbalanced for me. You can probably imagine why. That piece of the picture can cause stress in my life, but for the most part, it does not overshadow my happiness.
I think the data in the book has overlooked something huge. It is focused on "i". I truly believe that the most happy moments in my life are when I am doing things that make other people happy. Giving to others & helping others has brought me happiness. I don't thing that faking happiness would really do the trick. I don't have any evidence of that however. I suppose if the premise is not dwelling on your own problems, maybe there is some credence in that theory.
I know for myself, the reason I am working so hard at improving the financial piece of our lives is so I
can have the ability to bless others with financial gifts, ie be able to afford to give a hard working waitress a $100 tip. To this point I have only been able to give of my time & talent.
I would encourage you to give a faith community a try again. I know that there are unpleasant people everywhere, churches are no exception. You mentioned a retreat you recently did. Something that has really consumed a lot of my thoughts in the last couple of years is what exactly does God need me to
contribute while I am here on this earth? What legacy will I have, or even more important, should I have.
What are the gifts and talents I was blessed with that I should be using? That should be simple to figure out, right? In my experience, that is pretty tough to figure out. I have spent a lot of discovering the answer to that question. I am not there yet.
The funny thing is my oldest daughter is a psychologist, and her website is "Healthy Balanced Life:! Go figure. Lynn, I thank you for starting this conversation. Your post is very thought provoking. I will look forward to following this conversation, and just maybe we can all help each other in pursuit of happiness.
Dear Lynn, Thank you for the gift of sharing your journey with me. I find it so wonderful that so many people love you because of your sharing in cyberspace. Your virtual community is just that, your "community". I know that you have moved forward in your life by sheer will, work, planning, setting goals, noticing the small things that bring you joy or happiness, and still feel the "void" as you describe it. I do not typically read or suggest "self help" books, but am very inspired by Byron Katie. She has created a school for "The Work", in LA and Germany, inspired by her first of many books "Loving What Is". I think that you would enjoy the book and her website because "the work" includes several writing exercises, using a simple format that may have resounding personal answers about happiness, joy, and filling the "contentment" spot. The work is very pro-active. She leads you through a process of identifying a story that you may tell yourself, and doing a "turn around", that may provide insight. It is concrete, and I think fits in with the style of the way you process, make progress, and move on in your lifelong journey. I have done a 3 day workshop with her, but my goal is to spend 10 days in LA at the school for "The Work". There are videos on the website, and youtube which will give you a much better idea of what I am trying to share. Rhonda
WOW! Great ideas.
No one can be 100%. Even the successful people and inventors were not perfect on their 1st attempt. They tried and tried to succeed. Staying with the right path and dedication will be the key for success and well being.
More important thing after success is achieved in to digest success and fame. This is where majority have failed. One who is able to digest success and honors that he/she gets will be a true leader and happiest person for ever.
Thanks
Dipesh
Hi Lynn
I found this post very interesting and believe it or not very close to my own heart in the pursuit of feeling complete or "happy" myself.
For me I have found the "Happy" state quite elusive, it almost seems like a myth at times.
In my own experience so far it seems to me that "happy" is largely an emotion which I found to be be dependant on circumstances and my happy mometer would go up or down or disappear dependant of whats happening around me.
The other thing I did notice is that other peoples happy mometer also effected my own too, grumpy begets grumpy.
Which for me makes me think for my self that the Happy pursuit isn't working I'm starting to think that I'm looking at the wrong life gauge. "Happy" as it seems so darn fickle.
I think there is a simplar answer somewhere.
It seems to me that "happy" should be a fruit of something deeper within us sprining from a source that's not tied up with fickle emotions and circumstances.
Which has left me with the thought it is prehaps based on a faith.
Like you I have had a dissagreeable experince in a church sadly.
However I had to deduce as I have had several disagreeable experinces with elsewhere like doctor's, online, shop's etc but it dosen't stop me going them.
Church it did though, but the other disagreeables above it didnt stop me, which has made me think to look beyond what I found at the church.
As I guesse they are human like me.
Yes I'm still looking but feel to some degree I know now what I'm looking for.
I don't think its a religon with dogmatic vues but something that provides an inner life source or something that flows out to the outer life. That brings out something good for me and others. Independat of my circustances.
If there is such a thing, I think there must be somewhere somehow.
Ok I Know I'm sounding totally insane and can only deal with what I experince myself.
Well That's where I'm at, not as far along in my search as you are.
Anyway as a fellow searcher I wish you well in your search.
If I find it I'll Let you know.
I know my thoughts probably won't help but I was just joining the conversation as I know how you feel.
With The Greatest Of Respect Towards You.
Ian UK
Maybe it's our expectations that make us unhappy? whether we admit it to ourselves or not we all tend to expect things or an certain outcome even if we are not always aware of it...
"What I have learned is the need to shift my thought process… to DECIDE to be content and grateful for where I am and with what I have at any point in time, no matter what circumstances. (reference: Philippians 4:11 – 13). Doesn’t mean giving up on hopes and dreams and working diligently toward goals and desires, but it certainly helps in dealing with unexpected detours, in my enjoyment of the daily journey and in creating life balance while working to “get there”. Granted, it is not always easy to do, but definitely worth the effort. For me, THAT is the *true* measure of balance, happiness and “well-being”.
You nailed it, Sheri. Happiness is a decision. Whether it's smiling when you're in a bad mood or choosing to see your circumstances differently.
I was burned out of my house a couple of weeks ago. Not a total loss, but enough to necessitate the move into a trailer - err, mobile home - provided by the insurance company on our property. My circumstances are different for sure, but I chose how I see them and respond.
My sons just expressed some real interest in a favorite activity I haven't pursued for a while and the thought of introducing them to it and participating with them definitely makes me happy.
It's where you find it or make it, but happiness is one's own decision.
Speaking of happiness, I would be very happy to find some of those brownies in my mailbox.
And Betty Crocker is demanding equal time. 🙂
Dan
A very thought-provoking post and a topic far too many people struggle with daily.
I once read something - "There is no way to happiness, because happiness is the way."
The article mentioned that people "postpone" their lives until....they have a larger bank account, get married, get divorced, have children, lose weight, gain weight.... and the list goes on and on. We tend to feel that something needs to happen before we are happy, and we forget to live in the moment and appreciate life itself and all it has to offer.
Great post Lynn!
I have to agree with Sheri a bit, am surprised the book didn't contain some sort of spiritual section.
Although it's different for everyone, I was raised really religious and because of this have an intense relationship with god and spirituality. I have deviated quite a bit from my beginnings and yearn to get back to that quiet and peaceful place that comforted me for most of my youth and part of my adult life.
I think when I get back to it, it will be a fantastic reunion.
But spirituality aside, we can all get sidetracked from enjoying the little things when the big picture is the one and only goal. My family is very ambitious and doesn't take too much time "to smell the roses" which puts me at odds, because I love to smell the roses. lol.
I believe in money and being financially well off, but I'm not money obsessed and am actually satisfied with very little.
Money will never be a motivating factor in my life. I'm too pragmatic (or practical) for it, but I do want a good life and a good living. Just dont need to keep upping the ante, like some do.
If I ever do make $10,000 a month I hope I dont get into the trap of then (wanting) to make $20,000 a month, then $50,000 and so on.
That's a dangerous game to be playing. I hope I am happy with a great income, great family, great health, and of course - great fun!!!
Nice post, enjoyed reading it. Thanks for sharing.
Good topic! I've also been looking a balancing my life in area like, social, health, career and spiritual and its not been easy. If one is doing well then I can be guaranteed another is lacking in my focus.
I have even tried "Zero Balancing" which is body work to restore the flow of energy throughout the body through therapeutic touch.
I do believe balance is there for any of us if we want it. The mere fact Lynn that you are writing it down in a blog post means you'll find that balance quicker than had you not.
Balance is something we should want to work on daily be it health social (having tea with a friend), heath (walking the dog), career (writing that blog post)or spiritual (meditation, etc.). For me, I see the balance swaying when I don't do something that helps me in a specific area Example) I don't walk the dog.
But in the end, if I'm not smiling doing any of the above, then as much as I do them, I won't be happy. Sometimes I just have to "put on a smiley face" and dive through things. Amazingly it is easy to smile 😉
Test it out...put a mirror in front of you and the next time someone calls on the phone, don't smile for the bloody life of you. After the call, write down how you felt during this call. Then, the next time there is a call, put on a big smile and smile all the way through the call. After this call, write down how you feel. My bets are you feed grounded, at peace with the call.
I try to always incorporate smiling into my day as much as I can. My nickname back in the days of IRC (showing my age now) was "smiley".
I also do things that will make me smile for example, I only watch sitcoms or comedy movies when on the TV tube. I remember my better half telling me that watching those seemed like such a waste of brain time (he watched educational/documentaries). Is a brain wasted if it is making you smiling or laughing? BTW, there was some survey that went out that people who watch funny shows on TV compared to those who don't, the former live longer (can't recall where I read that but will see if I can find it again).
So go out today and smile...bet is makes for a more balanced day 🙂
Thank you Lynn for sharing the book about Well Being. Love the way they breakdown to 5 category and balancing them.
Happiness depends on how I see myself each day - if I feel moody that day is good in the wind, if I see it as a gift from God and enjoy every moment it will be happy.
Therefore it is not easy to achieve all but I know I can do it a bit each day to get 5 category. No easy but no harm trying. Only if I give my best that I can know where stand. Everybody goes through pain but how we go through it is important so that the survival to achieve happiness is nearer:
I thank all of your comments here because it has open up a new horizon for me to move and fight resistance in life for happiness.
I tried too hard to make it big in affiliate marketing, even going so far as to quit my job. I found that being holed up in my house and spending all my time at the computer was making me loony. I started back to work this past week. I feel I am starting to achieve balance. I still do my aff marketing stuff on evenings and weekends, but it's not all consuming.
I have a feeling that if I tested right now I'd have five red bars on my graph - I am a great big mess this month and I don't have any kind of balance at all today.
The part where you mentioned not being "happy" but not being "UNhappy" either - I get stuck in that between place quite a lot and I never know which direction to go to get back towards the happy side of things.
Reaching goals one at a time is fantastic, but I've learned over the past two years that doesn't always equal happiness - so I've been trying to adjust my goals to include things that make life more enjoyable too.
Can you reinvent a person the way he become from the way he grow?
Loretta --- I think that there are many days, weeks or months that many people feel just like that. When any of my clients and/or friends feel like that - I usually suggest that they time some time to just "regroup" and take some time to assess what you really want. That many help you when you are stuck between happy and unhappy and help to set you on the path that you wan tto be on.
You are something something that many dont do (adjusting goals to include things that make your life more enjoyable) -- that is very important and often overlooked. Keep up the great work!
Achieving true balance takes a concious effort on ones part it is easy to get cought up in one thing and become overwhelmed. especially for those who struggle trying to meet their survuval needs it is difficult to stop and smell the roses when you are concerned about how you are going to pay the bills. great article deffinately food for thought 🙂
I started to just do that: whenever I post an article, I also post a video on youtube Then I start to look at my blogs, and add a post. I am now posting 2 to 3 articles a week, and I know traffic is coming. At one point, I had a lot of traffic. now it is less but I know it is like that online. no problem. keep focused and remember that blogging is a high maintenance kind of thing.
Success to all!
I may be completelly off but... I don't think life can be so tidily compartmentalized as this book (and many others) suggests. At least in my life, there's a lot of gray zones, so to speak. And who's to say we all need the same amount of socializing or financial success at all?
Hi Lynn it's me Gail J Richardson AKA(Jacquelyn Dunn) I had never thought of happiness being something we have to work so hard at but I see that it is.
I have enjoyed knowing you and love the way you share with your readers. I have been watching you over the last several months while you have been in pursuit of happiness in all parts of your life.You are starting to help me to see that I am just drowning in unhappiness because I don't have a plan. I will start to try to look at things differently.
As far as finding a true balance I don't know if I even know how but when you find it Lynn if you can explain it to me I will be so grateful.
My hardest issue is the things that are making me unhappy just keep creeping back into my mind and I haven't figured out how to control my own thoughts.
Thanks for Sharing Lynn
A couple things: 1. Self-help books are (mostly) feeble attempts at capsulizing intricate and complicated facets of the human experience. I don't put too much weight into them. You may want to refrain, as well.
2. Happiness is best defined by each individual. You don't need a book and an arbitrary formula to tell you that you're happy (or not). How do you feel? Where do you feel you and your life is lacking? Set a goal to change that. You obviously are a goal-achiever, so move your focus from financial goals to personal/social/community goals.
Because you are doing well financially, it may behoove you to build as much passive income streams as possible so that you can "take your eye off that ball" for a while, as you focus on one other aspect of your "happy life."
Finally, I believe happiness (or not) is a choice. We all know or have seen people with severe disabilities or crippling injuries possess very happy lives. Why is that so? The ONLY thing I can think of is that they choose it to be.
I know, that's no help 🙂
In many cases, doing well in one facet is the REASON you are unhappy in others. Pursue one facet with too much intensity, and you burn yourself out and "crowd out" happiness in other areas.
A lot here has been talked about in terms of balance. But it's not really balance; rather, it's focusing on those things that make a difference at the right times. Sometimes, in order to achieve this elusive "balance," you have to concentrate on one thing to bring it up to snuff while neglecting nearly everything else.
Balance only comes when all facets are on the right course and at the right levels. So it's like you really cannot set out to gain this balance; it comes as a result of doing the right things at the right times.
Best of luck to ya!
Lynn
It would appear I have picked a great post to make my first ever comment on.
As in all things, thoughts and opinions are as different as fingerprints. I will offer no opinion but would like to contribute some more to the collection of thought that has started.
Happiness is a choice. In all things. In all that I have learned in more than 6 decades this one thing seems to always hold true. It is my choice to be happy, just as it is my choice to be mad, angry, joyful, etc.
I was created with happiness, and joy is a by-product of that happiness. I am a product of love, even though I never knew that "love" until late in adult life. But my very source is love and I am a part of that...as you are.
It seems, based on the many comments about the book and a few references to the lack of "spiritual" content, that the very part that is missing may be just that. If a connection to your source, God, Qui (give it the name you choose), is missing, this is the very essence of who you are. Not giving that any importance in comparison with the other 5 areas in my way of thinking would be like having the most expensive, beautiful, luxury car in the world....with no engine.
I love a comment by Dr. Wayne Dyer and I admittedly phara-phrase. “I meditate every day, because it helps me to connect to my source, and erase the separateness that life tries to create.”
One can feel healthy in that car, be financially, socially and emotionally satisfied in that car, secure in business, but the cars not going anywhere. (That's a very "male" analogy so we could say sponsored by Bugatti or GM!)
Eckhart Tolle in his book, “A New Earth,” discusses how egoic thinking, or living in the illusion of reality not centered in the present or in the moment, will always have us striving to achieve the impossible because it is based on an illusion. He makes a strong claim that 90% of the world’s population is both “unaware of the present” and not “thinking in their right mind.” Or in other words, unconscious and insane. Could this apply to the book? Not my call.
Hidden in plain sight is a thought to consider. Ever play the word game “Spill and Spell,” or “Yatzee?” Turn the little tray with the letter cubes and “bingo,” a word appears as if out of nowhere, yet it was in “plain sight” all the time. Amazing how that can happen, and everyday is full of those moments, yet we miss them.
Answers, may work for me in my life, but thoughts are all I can offer, and their value is only tangible to you. My heart desire is that these may be pure gold. You are priceless and your transparency is unique!
Lynn, awesome post (as usual). This one really hit home with me because happiness and what it truly means (to me) is something I've been thinking about a lot lately. My life is so out of balance that I can't stand it anymore! I definitely won't be reading the book though! lol
Lynn,
As I read your article and the many comments, I tried to process it all to have something useful to contribute. It has been a struggle to do that because I have an idea what may be the heart of the matter, but it's from my own unique view of life and the human heart.
I, too, was SHOCKED that there was no spiritual component in the book you reviewed. To lump spirituality and faith generically into "Community" misses an essential part of a human being. We are body, soul and spirit - three parts, all distinct.
In searching for a faith-based community, our opinions and personal tastes come into play, and IMHO, this is where the greatest potential for error occurs. I'm no psychologist, but I know people pretty well. And living on the planet long enough to be Social-Security-eligible come this July gives me a somewhat longer view than some.
Popular culture makes everything more complicated. Even if we don't buy into popular culture, it's impossible to avoid its influence entirely unless we go back to living in caves without electricity and even then, there would be the cave drawings. LOL
My point is that if we have a "hole" in our lives, SOMETHING will try to fill it, whether or not it's something from popular culture or something else of our own choosing. A friend of mine once said, "If I do nothing in my garden, weeds will grow." And we HAVE to view our lives as our own personal garden.
Some people try to fill a void with social activities and acquiring material possessions. I think you've seen way beyond and through that.
But the truth is, we were created with an empty place deep inside. Deliberately. And it is out of that place that our longings for something more, something deeper, something bigger than ourselves emanate. This place is our human spirit -- not to be confused with our soul.
It's this confusing of the soul and spirit that causes all the problems. Trying to satisfy the soul is impossible until the spirit is enlivened and filled.
The bad experience you had makes it all the more difficult for you to try again to find a church home. Keep in mind that God only has fallen human beings to work with, whether believer or unbeliever.
I don't know what criteria you're searching for in a faith-based community, but "comfort" may not be the first thing to examine. Feelings are elusive and changeable and so they're NOT reliable indicators when it comes to spiritual things. In fact, discomfort might be an indication that "Someone is trying to tell you something." So I'd examine exactly what it is that makes you uncomfortable, and why, versus what makes you feel comfortable, and why.
Are you uncomfortable when someone asks you about where you are spiritually? Does it feel like the question is too personal? When you think about it, though, it's a logical question. The church has been compared to a hospital. It's filled with people who are sick and hurting, or wounded and lost, or lonely and needy, or ... you get the idea. To help us get well, the "hospital" has to assess our condition.
That's not to say that less-than-experienced people can't bungle this initial contact and drive people away. But if you remember that everyone is a "patient" of one degree or another, then it's easier to accept and forgive such people as imperfect but well-meaning.
Is it preaching that's your number one criterion?
Feel-good sermons that don't require you to think or examine your life may "tickle the ear" but end up leaving you feeling as though you've just eaten pure icing. It looks pretty on the cake and tastes sweet. But 1) it cannot fill you up no matter how much you consume; 2) it only satisfies a pleasure center; 3) it cannot nourish you because there is no substance to it; 4) a steady diet of such empty "calories" will ultimately weaken and sicken you. At the other extreme, hellfire-and-brimstone preaching may have its place (personally I think there's a more heartfelt way to present the same message), but a steady diet of it doesn't take care of the ones who want to learn how to live after they're converted. These people, also, end up malnourished and sickly.
It may be tempting to choose a mega-church of thousands, because you can be anonymous for awhile. These churches, however, usually have small groups that help care for their members in a more personal way -- outside of Sunday morning. A smaller congregation, one where it would be noticed if you were a visitor and likewise noticed if you were a regular attendee, could feel too intimate at first, when you're a total stranger. But again, this is all about a Sunday morning experience. However, when you think about it, a love relationship based on one or two hours once a week only applies in the early stages of "dating." As this relationship deepens, you spend more time together spontaneously, because you enjoy one another's company. It's the same with our relationship with God.
I know one thing for sure. Well, maybe two. God knows our hearts, and He meets us where we ARE.
I can only speak out of my own experience and belief. No doubt some people will disagree. Taste and see. And ask, seek, knock.
I've been following your writings for quite some time now and never left any comments but today I just can't help myself.
I started life in hell. I survived. I was nearly killed a couple of times. I survived. Many days the darkness creep up on me but I shrug it off and I survive.
What really gets me down today is that everything has to be analyzed, compartmentalized, and worked out in the finest detail.
It is as if humanity as a whole seems to think that everything has to be perfect before "I" am okay.
What about unconditional joy that you're alive and able to do things that only humans can do.
Look at a dog... It's love and happiness is unconditional and in the moment.
Happiness is not an altered state of being. It is the capacity to be happy in yourself whatever the circumstances. It is what you want to be, and not something outside of you.
It's a lightness of soul. It is the shedding of burdens. It is the unconditional enjoyment of all that is good.
Happiness is in the first breath of life. It is pure and simple and has no deeper meaning.
Nothing needs to be in line for you to just be happy.
Come to Africa and experience happiness in the moment despite poverty and strife.
And that is just my opinion.
Thank you for this article.
I used to wake up happy in a family of people that do not.
I often struggle with "what to do today" to bring satisfaction to each of the 5 areas you mention.
I have learned to change what I like to do to feel good about myself. I used to love to fix stuff, paint, build, fix cars, home improvements and even was a handyman for a while so every day I could do what I enjoy and it brought a lot of satisfaction and even revenue. Then as age set in, I got arthritis and had to quite doing the fix it stuff. I was sad when I looked back and then finally decided I could just change what I like to do. So now I see the things that need fixing and occasionally wash and wax a car but otherwise pretty much never pick up a hammer or screwdriver or paint brush or pull weeds in the yard.
Instead I work on web sites, hike, walk, sell junk (declutter my surroundings) play with the dogs and go out to meet new people and share the story of text marketing to improve their business.
I need to improve the score in each area listed above.
I used to have a fantastic job making a lot of money and it was satisfying to save the company millions of dollars and not have a boss telling me what to do all the time. Got laid off a long time ago and now the idea of a job working for a company is not that exciting.
Each day I work on the health stuff a bit, decluttering the surroundings, and learning new marketing or healthy living things.
I need to get out more, contribute to society more, drink more water and less coffee and make more passive income and exercise more.
I need to figure out a better way to help more people in a way that also contributes to financial success in a way that is not just trading hours for dollars. I look forward to reading about your journey Lynn and what works to improve the scores in matrix.
Lynn,
this is why I read your blog regularly and why I am a member of your Elite Group. The comment by Isobel about "fire fighting mode" is so true. We all need to learn the difference between urgent and important.
I am not sure I seek happiness, but I do want to reach a point in my life where I am content. Too much of my life has been spent striving for striving's sake.
One of my favorite books about happiness is Sonja Lyubomirsky's "The How of Happiness: A New Approach to Getting the Life You Want". I highly recommend it. It's science based without all the charts.
Jerry Nielsen
Hello Lynn,
These really are the 5 most important elements of well being. People (especially entrepreneurs) tend to work a lot, but when it comes to the end of the line, the payday, then they tend to go berzerk. I'm a shop-a-holic and I cannot help myself, after struggling 30 days a month for earning my money, I really love to go out with my friends shopping or watching a movie, or even going out by myself to shopping or to the spa. I really think that I deserve the great treatment and the results after struggling a lot of time and being under pressure while working hard. We, people, need to take more care of ourselves, we tend to forget to take care, in order to work harder, we forget to eat properly and healthy, we tend to sleep less hours at night, do less sports, no more jogging because of the lack of time and stopping to smile because of the stress. We need to take a break sometimes, especially on weekends, just go to the sea-side or go to a place where you can relax, at least one weekend monthly, it is very necessary in order to keep the work ok and our healthiness almost alright. Great job you did with this article, a eye-opener article. Thank you very much for sharing this excellent article and keep up the good work!
Best regards,
Maria
Lynn - I totally agree with you that we all need to take more (better) care of ourselves. You are right, many of us do eat poorly and are working on less and less sleep.
I try to keep those things in the forefront of my mind daily and continue to work on treating myself as well as I treat my car (oil changes, gas, tuneups, etc...).
Hi Lynn,
It is great that you are turning your keen mind toward this important exploration of what happiness is and how can one “have” it.
I have been mulling over what to say here all morning as the topic is so vast and this is just a comment box… I realized quite young that the suffering I perceived around me was not necessary and that directed my attention to a life long exploration into the nature of suffering and what was causing it and conversely what was Happiness and what was the source of it. To convey what these 37 years of exploration have shown me is more than a comment to a blog post can accommodate but a few points and resources can be shared
First and foremost, Happiness is an entirely inside job. Nothing about any kind of circumstances, be it Career, wealth, health, community, social life, or the right combination or “balance” of all these, has the power to give happiness. If the power was in the circumstances then the same circumstances would deliver the same happiness, for everyone, every time. A simple but easy to see example of this come from the radio. Almost everyone has had the experience of hearing an new song and liking it. Then the station(s) played it over and over again because it was popular and after awhile you you get sick of it. If the power of enjoyment of the song rested with the song you would always enjoy the song. But the power of enjoyment lies within and the criteria fro enjoyment can and do change,
With all do respect to Chris the Buddha never said life is suffering. Fist of all the pali word (pali is the language the Buddha taught in) that usually gets translated as ‘suffering’ is ‘dukkha’. But dukkha is word that cover the whole gambit from mild dissatisfaction or irritation to full blown torturous suffering. Some use “dissatisfaction” as a useful translation. Further more The Buddha said Life is *pervaded by* dukkha, not *is* suffering. This is a subtle but very important distinction. Los Angeles skies are pervaded by smog. But if you remove the smog the sky doesn’t go away. In fact you can experience the sky like never before. That life is pervade by dukkha is the first of 4 “Noble Truths” the define the nature of what Buddha taught. The Second one is “Dukkha has a cause” Just as there is a cause for smog pervading LA’s sky, there is a cause for dissatisfaction that pervades our experience of life. The Third is “There is a cure for the Cause” . If LA used only had “Green” industries and “Green” transport etc., the smog would first lessen and then disappear altogether. The fourth Noble Truth is that for every being there is a way to implement the cure.
It is important to note that before Prince Siddartha (the man who became known as the Buddha) set out on the path that lead to his discovery of these truths, he, at a level few in the world today ever will, “had it all” He was the crowned Prince of the most powerful and wealthiest kingdom in his part of the world. He had a loving wife, loving children and however many consorts he could want. He was a master orator, poet, archer, wrestler, artist. Unlike almost any of us, everyone had to do what he said. He was very generous, kind, was loved by his people, and had no enemies. Yet he still had the ‘hole’ of which you speak, Lynn.. The point being that nothing external will ‘fill the hole’.
I don’t mean to imply that only Buddhism has any answers about happiness. Its just that Siddarthas life before his journey of discovery is very telling.
For an exploration of the inside Job of Happiness that is not tied to a specific spiritual tradition, “Happy For No Reason” by Marci Shimoff. She was featured on the Secret but don’t hold it against her. Happy For Know reason emerged out of interview 100 of the Happiest People she could find and she shares solid methods for uncovering our natural happiness. Well that is enough for a comment on a blog 🙂
"He was a master orator, poet, archer, wrestler, artist. Unlike almost any of us, everyone had to do what he said. He was very generous, kind, was loved by his people, and had no enemies. Yet he still had the ‘hole’ of which you speak, Lynn.. The point being that nothing external will ‘fill the hole’."
The hole that needs to be filled can only be filled by knowing God.
Jesus, the son of God, suffered and died to save us all from sin and death. Something Buddha never figured out. Happiness comes and goes depending on what happens to us and how we respond. Joy is something that remains constant because of your faith and trust in God and is not dependent upon circumstances.
The greatest suffering was Jesus' death on the cross.
The greatest good that came from it was our salvation.
Everything that happens to you is either ordained by God or permitted by God. Nothing happens by chance! So your suffering has great value in the salvation of the world. God permits evil and suffering in order to bring a greater good out of it.
Jesus said, "I am the vine, you are the branches."
We are all connected. Even though you are not aware of it, when you suffer, so do other. When you are filled with Joy, you affect others in a positive way.